Empty Heaviness

Awaked, dressed, breakfasted, drugged... and now mildly heavy. Depressed. Empty. I don't want to go back to bed. I do want to continue just sitting here, only listening to music and looking up the lyrics as each song plays.

Only two primary tasks this Monday: sometime today complete weight training routine and mid day have a first date watching a movie at Star. Thinking about workout makes me instantly ask "why?" Thinking about the date makes me wonder stressfully if it will actually happen.

Update: The date cancelled. I suppose the good part is that I can finish my laundry in order to be able to wear my favorite shorts at the gym.

I'm Nauseous with Hunger

I'm having a daily struggle with healthy diet choices. The main problems are loss of appetite and the compete depletion of food in the cabinets and frig. I've been baulking the chore of going grocery shopping. There is a sense of extreme dread for being surrounded by an immense collection of food and successfully selecting the correct items. The dread is a result a new decision of tackling diet.

This past week, I arranged a meeting with my personal trainer to talk about sport nutrition and to evaluate my current eating habits. At the end of our session, I asked for him to give me some specific goals for improving my diet. He said: 1.) increase amount of protein; 2.) 5 servings of fruits/veggies per day; 3.) remove all processed grains.

Can't Feed Myself

I have a headache and empty stomach. The kitchen is just in the next room. Why is it so hard to get up and go make something healthy to eat?

Found One that Resonates

Recently while talking about favorite music.... Bullet For My Valentine was mentioned. I find metalcore to be unpleasant. I want to understand the lyrics and feel emotion rather than a headache and nausea.

The depression is getting worse.

Once in awhile, I feel strange enough to just embrace the unending nausea that I've been dealing with the past four weeks -- a type of self-destructive behavior used as a coping mechanism, when things get 'too much'. This morning my action of choice was to punch in B4MV on Pandora.

And then suddenly, one song came along that resonated. Bullet For My Valentine : Curse

Most likely the intended meaning of the song has nothing to do with what I felt/heard in the music. (Assuming metalcore can be considered music.) What I hear in this song is the ordeal of dealing with severe depression.

I'm starting to realize that I need to consider other methods of resolve beyond just medications, such as ECT. (face what we've become.

Everyone is constantly telling me that suicide is not an option, because I have value and it would be a waste for me to disappear. That, through the years I have put in a lot of effort to survive and accomplished a great deal. (We've waited far to long to watch it all crash and fall through)

One of my strengths is tenacity. I'm constantly just pushing through. (So when you feel like shit you're gotta keep on pushin) I always think too much. I get angry when people remind me of this fact. I am proud of my ability to process information. Yet, the unhealthy ruminating thoughts are a symptom of the depression, rather than profound thinking. (There's curses lurking in our heads/But we don't want to find them/We need to come back down/And face what we've become)

The major problem I deal with seems to be loneliness. The lack of supportive family/friends is huge in my mind. My son is my only family. He certainly has grown and changed so much this last year. Our relationship is slowly becoming... normal? better? enjoyable? Yet he isn't emotionally available to support my mental issues. And then, I know lots of people through work or hobbies or church (which I stopped attending a couple of years ago). Yet, knowing people is not the same as having friends. There is no one in my life that I truly check in with on a close continual basis. I so desperately want connection that includes a mutual two way reliance and a healthy dependency. I feel an incredible heaviness to realize that all my major relationships -- the people who know me best -- are all paid. Last weekend out at the ski hill... a place that I typically feel my best, I started to do the heavy sobbing crying thing after just a couple of hours. I gave up and started to walk back to the truck. Then I got mad. Really angry. Impulsively I signed up for a snowboard training session. At least for a hour, my life made sense again and I was happy. Yet, I left with the reinforcement that I have to pay people to spend time with me. (It's haunting me, I'm so alone/I'm just trying to find my way back home/I'm so alone, alone)

Yeah, I could really use a map right now. (But there's forces working in our heads/And we don't understand them/I need a map to find/My way out all the time)

Waiting for the SunRay Sunbox

First snowfall. Well, not really the first. But seems as if so, because this time I see the falling flakes, the growing accumulation, the solemn traffic passing on the street. The afternoon light is fading, loneliness surrounds me, and Paula Cole tempo wedges the apostrophe into place. I feel trapped. Trapped by the falling snow and by my dysfunction. I want to go to the gym. But I told myself I can't go until I finish the dishes and laundry. Maybe if I start the chores now, I can be swimming by seven and in bed by nine. Perpetual depression. More than dysthymia. PDoc says I need to sit in front of my SunRay II sunbox for 45 minutes first thing in the morning, every day for a week. After about three weeks, I've finally succeeded in completing two successive days. Getting out of bed is difficult, and then, staying awake in front of the light is difficult. Steamed broccoli & cauliflower with butter.