Ineffective Daily Affirmations

  • As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
  • I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
  • I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.
  • I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
  • In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
  • Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
  • My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
  • I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
  • Joan of Arc heard voices too.
  • I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
  • I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
  • When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
  • The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
  • As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
  • All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
  • Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
  • I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
  • Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
  • I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
  • Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so.”
  • False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
  • A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
  • Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
  • Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute… I’ll find someone.
  • Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
  • The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
  • I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
  • Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step — blaming my parents.
  • To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I’m giving as much as I’m getting.

Credits: unknown.

Climbing Advice

  1. Don’t climb with scissors.
  2. Don’t look down.
  3. If a rope looks worn, replace it.
  4. Don’t climb alone.
  5. Climbers do it with gear.
  6. Don’t lick carabiners when it’s cold out.
  7. Rocks are slippery when wet.
  8. Parkas keep you warm in the winter.
  9. Don’t forget matches for the stove!
  10. Flashlights help you see at night.

Credits: unknown.

Top 10 Reasons Why Dogs are better than Men

Rottweiler Graphic - (c) 1999 On Task Technologies
Rotties © 1999 On Task Technologies

10 More sophisticated fashion sense

 9 Willing to hold your purse in public

 8 Spend less time worrying about hair loss

 7 Old buddies don’t show up on the doorstep unexpectedly

 6 Utterly disinterested in professional sports

 5 Rarely jealous of your former boyfriends

 4 Love to dance

 3 Willing to sleep on a rug and fetch on command

 2 Have the ability to know when you are sad and need attention

 1 Unlikely to roll over and lose consciousness immediately following intense play, because they are always willing to give you one more kiss

Credits: postcard purchase at a Hallmark® store.

Think you know everything? Here is a little more

  1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
  2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
  3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
  4. The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
  5. The shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
  6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
  7. Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
  8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”
  9. On the old Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
  10. All of the clocks in the movie “Pulp Fiction” are stuck on 4:20.
  11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
  12. “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.
  13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
  14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
  15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
  16. Maine is the only state (in USA) whose name is just one syllable.
  17. There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
  18. Los Angeles’ full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula”
  19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
  20. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
  21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
  22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
  23. Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
  24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
  25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
  26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
  27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
  28. It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
  29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
  30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
  31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
  32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
  33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
  34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
  35. “Stewardesses” is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

Credits: unknown

Standard Disclaimer

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This disclaimer may not be copied without the expressed written consent of whoever I stole it from.

Credits: unknown

Sayings for Bumper Stickers, Posters or Personal Signitures

  • You are here: X
  • Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are. —
  • When I get to where I’m going, will somebody please tell me where I am?
  • I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
  • I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
  • Having an out of body experience. Back in five.
  • I put the “fun” in dysfunctional.
  • Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
  • Time is Nature’s way of making sure that everything doesn’t happen at once.
  • Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
  • There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.
  • Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the hell is the ceiling?!”
  • Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
  • My Reality Check bounced.
  • On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  • The Truth is Out There. So what are you doing Here?!
  • Does “anal retentive” have a hyphen?
  • We are not human doings, rather, we are human beings.
  • Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
  • It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
  • Indecision is the key to flexibility.
  • Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.
  • Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
  • I get plenty of exercise — jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
  • I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
  • I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
  • Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, to heck with it.
  • Just because you’re smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
  • We have strange and wonderful relationship. You’re strange and I’m wonderful.
  • Am I getting smart with you? …How would you know?
  • I’m not having hot flashes, I’m having power surges!
  • If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
  • Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.
  • Do unto others, then run.– Benny Hill
  • It’s gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.
  • My heart’s in the right place. I know, ‘cuz I hid it there. — Carrie Fisher
  • I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. — Mae West
  • The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. — Lily Tomlin
  • The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
  • I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.
  • Life is like a box of chocolates. It’s full of nuts.
  • Baroque (adj.): When you are out of Monet.
  • All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen.
  • I’m not just a gardener, I’m a Plant Manager.
  • I am Woman. I am Invincible. I am Tired.
  • Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: How many can you afford?
  • Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won’t spoil me.
  • Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?
  • There’s no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.
  • Sweat is nature’s way of showing you your muscles are crying.
  • You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
  • I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
  • I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
  • Men don’t roar, women roar. Then they throw heavy objects.
  • Just because you’re paranoid, it doesn’t mean they’re NOT out to get you. (from Bill Murray)
  • I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
  • Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
  • I have a problem with authority. I AM the authority!
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
  • Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
  • Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will Whiz on your computer.
  • Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
  • Motherhood: the longest guilt trip you’ll ever take.
  • Motherhood: Another reason why we need God’s constant help.
  • I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  • Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can’t get his pants off!
  • If nothing sticks to Teflon, then how does it stick to the pan?

Credits: source unknown.

Procrastinator’s Creed

  1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
  2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
  3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
  4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
  5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
  6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
  7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
  8. If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.
  9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
  10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
  11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
  12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
  13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
  14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator’s Society) if they ever get it organized.

Credits: unknown.

One Line Logic

If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he’ll be a mile away — and barefoot.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Credits: unknown

Numbers Fact Puzzle

26 = L of the A
7 = D of the W
1001 = A N
12 = S of the Z
54 = C in a D (with J)
9 = P in the S S
88 = PK
13 = S on the A F
32 = D F at which W F
18 = H on a G C
90 = D in a R A
200 = D for P G in M
8 = S on a SS
3 = B M (S H T R)
4 = Q in a G
24 = H in a D
1 = W on a U
5 = D in a Z C
57 = H V
11 = P on a F B T
1000 = W that a P is W
29 = D in F in a L Y
64 = S on a C B
40 = D and N of the G F
76 = T in the B P
answer :
50 = W to L Y L
99 = B of B on the W
60 = S in a M
1 = H on a U
answer :
9 = J on the SC
7 = B for SB
answer :
21 = D on a D
7 = W of the A W
15 = M on a D M C


Credits: unknown