Bipolar Relationships

This illness has increased the amount of stress I experience every day, especially in my relationships with family and friends, due to my unpredictable energy level and my oscillating outlook on life.

Sometimes animals can provide more nurturing and comfort than people can.

Top 10 Reasons Why Dogs are better than Men
Thade (May 2007 – August 2007)

Here is my recent confession.

This Spring I had one of my worst episodes of hypomania. I am very fun and upbeat and spunky when I’m hypomanic. One of the symptoms of hypomania is increased sex drive. Well guess what? Last April, I started posting (and answering posts) on craigslist. I posted in CLCE. I posted in the W4M (seeking a LTR). The result was that I went through eight guys in six weeks. A whole lot of meaningless sex. Which was fun at the time, but has ended up making me feel worse now. A lot of craziness that has led to increased loneliness and restlessness. The high sex drive is still very much alive… but I’ve been able to stop the silliness of the hookups. I went and got tested. Because, what I want is a healthy LTR. Not insanity. This crazy Spring has woken me up… and that is a good thing.

However… in May, there was this one guy that answered one of my W4M posts… who ended up being the one man that I saw multiple times throughout the Spring and Summer. Basically, he was the reason that I decided to go get tested. He and I were going to be FWB.

Both of us were in a needing place; and, serendipitously… we came across each other at just the right time. Ya know? The chemistry and timing was just right.

It all started a mere three days after our first email; we had our first tryst. I was immediately in like. Great. And, things were good. Desire. Excitement. Promises of friends… and that did happened. We did get close. High quantities — and quality — of email communication, with equal participation. And good conversations too on the days that included physical events.

Yet, even at our first meet up, I knew I was going to get hurt. But, I made an eyes wide open decision to go for it. I liked him. He seemed to desire me.

The Problem. Once the hypomania passed months later, I crashed, and became very depressed. I learned that FWB doesn’t include a depression clause. True, his life situation did pass through it’s own cycle… and he no longer was in the exact same place anymore either. And, admittedly, in my depressed mood, I sent way too many emotional emails. I kept pressing for sex. But, alas, he was unavailable. My depression, who knows, may not have had anything to do with the change in our FWB. The reality was that all forms of contact started becoming less and less frequent.

He’s married. He’s unhappy. It seems like he and I had a good thing. Yet, I must not have been enough, or perhaps too much, because several weeks after the fact… he confessed to me that one of his other email relationships turned into a “lets meet half way between our cities and have a meaningful and lengthy sharing conversation and fuck in the back seat of my car.”

So… so much for he and I being friends who keep each other up to speed on “new developments.” Hearing about his new tryst person, unexpectedly after the fact, was a breech in one of the agreed upon rules, which we established at our beginning.

He says that he doesn’t know what he wants. (I wish he wanted me.)

He says we are still friends. Then I feel angry. I say: crock! His statement just seems like empty words. In reality we are not real friends. Or, are we real friends? Does mutual deep sharing of thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, fears… over a three month period make a friendship? Add sex to the mix, and it sure seems like a relationship. Oh sorry! My mistake, it’s not a “relationship”, it’s only FWB.

I’m hurt. Hearing about this new tryst person would have hurt no matter what. But the sting certainly would have hurt less if all along I knew that he was stoking another sexual lead. And, why did I have to hear the news via instant message?

Pain. And apparently I’ve lost — perhaps come to the end of — the B in our FWB? I don’t know.

I have not showed up at his work. I most certainly have not showed up at his home. I definitely have not sent email to his wife in a flying rage or grief struck impluse. I have not sent him long emotional emails pleading to want me instead. I have not attacked nor blamed him. There has been no voodoo. There has been no spray paint.

Bipolar doesn’t have to mean psycho. But relationship do suck.
JDH (June 1995 – December 1996)

I was abandoned by a boyfriend. He said that he couldn’t deal with my depression. I stayed in both the “anger” and “grieving” death stages of this relationship for a long time. I’ve been dealing with the anger by creating graphics to express my feelings. In my grief, I identified strongly with several pop songs from the end of 1996.

No Doubt
Tragic Kingdom
don’t speak

Un-Break My Heart
Toni Braxton

It’s all coming back to me now
Celine Dion
(January 1997)

I am working on building up my tolerance to the reoccurring loneliness and restlessness I feel. I recently reconnected with an old friend from school. I’ve been in contact with my parents. I am deepening my relationship with my older sister. I am staying away from places or people where I might be tempted to get in trouble. With my next significant other type relationship, I seriously want to build a friendship first. As opposed to entering into physical intimacy too soon. I need to know if that person will be patient with me, when I lapse, and I ask again (and numerous other random times)… for him to tell me about the meaning behind the words, “Please take care of yourself. People really do care about you (especially me)!”

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