I went and stood in the rain… I wanted to feel something different than what I was feeling inside.
I’m grieving the loss of a relationship… the loss of my hope for what could have been… the hope for more [sex, contact, friendship]
I stood in the rain to feel true aliveness… not the pain.
I want to call a [different] guy and ask to come over to sleep with him.
I am deciding, for now, to change the sheets…
I’m angry that I bought these sheets for the lost relationship dude.
I’m really really wanting to go back to the way things were… the just sleeping on the mattress pad. Why bother with the sheets?
I’m really really wanting to take extra sleeping pills so I can stop the thoughts in my head… I want to zone out.
I want to go running in the rain.
I want to go spend the night at the gym and swim all night long until I meet with Kevin at 8:00am for my training appointment [maybe I can set the alarm and go early?]
I want to scream.
I want to tell the Dude off and say fuck you… how can we be friends? do we have anything to be friends about? what is in common? we just talked to one another. we never did anything together. shoulders to lean on. that’s all. ears. hugs. just sex
except for women… we get attached… the sex binds us… doesn’t matter that we have nothing in common.
I want what I can’t have.
I want something that isn’t even what I want… because I’m attached and the sex did that.
how to stop wanting
how to forget?
how to heal?
how to refocus?
will the refouced activity just become something to be resentful about?
I’m not in love with the guy… I’m just connected and attached and can’t stop wanting him
I’m in that place… where I don’t know how to let him go; how do I move on?
oh and I did this to myself with my eyes wide open. what a fucking dork am I?
one foot in front of the other… breathe… it’s what Tom Hank’s character said—something like that—to his friend in the movie Cast Away.
I can’t cry!!! no. don’t cry. do not start with the tears. crying will just make it more real and will make your body ache and be sore, the eyes to ache, and give you a headache. So stop.
crank the music.
count your blessings
say your affirmations
and those last too things are not me being possitive… it’s me trying to brainwash myself.
wanting to call and leave voice mail for Jon
wanting to put on some warmer clothes than what I had and go running/walking in the rain