1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. The shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”
9. On the old Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie “Pulp Fiction” are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
12. “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state (in USA) whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles’ full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula”
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. “Stewardesses” is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

Credits: unknown

This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may fade. We have sent the forms which seem right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your canceled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in a well-ventilated are. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free number before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Unix is a registered trademark of AT&T. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. Package sold by weight, not volume. Your mileage may vary. We may modify or terminate our services from time to time, for any reason, and without notice, including the right to terminate with or without notice, without liability to you, any other user or any third party.

This disclaimer may not be copied without the expressed written consent of whoever I stole it from.

Credits: unknown

• You are here: X
• Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are. —
• When I get to where I’m going, will somebody please tell me where I am?
• I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
• I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
• Having an out of body experience. Back in five.
• I put the “fun” in dysfunctional.
• Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
• Time is Nature’s way of making sure that everything doesn’t happen at once.
• Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
• There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.
• Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the hell is the ceiling?!”
• Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
• My Reality Check bounced.
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
• The Truth is Out There. So what are you doing Here?!
• Does “anal retentive” have a hyphen?
• We are not human doings, rather, we are human beings.
• Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
• It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
• Indecision is the key to flexibility.
• Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.
• Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
• I get plenty of exercise — jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
• I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
• I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
• Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left.
• If at first you don’t succeed, to heck with it.
• Just because you’re smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
• We have strange and wonderful relationship. You’re strange and I’m wonderful.
• Am I getting smart with you? …How would you know?
• I’m not having hot flashes, I’m having power surges!
• If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
• Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.
• Do unto others, then run.– Benny Hill
• It’s gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.
• My heart’s in the right place. I know, ‘cuz I hid it there. — Carrie Fisher
• I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. — Mae West
• The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. — Lily Tomlin
• The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
• I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.
• Life is like a box of chocolates. It’s full of nuts.
• Baroque (adj.): When you are out of Monet.
• All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen.
• I’m not just a gardener, I’m a Plant Manager.
• I am Woman. I am Invincible. I am Tired.
• Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: How many can you afford?
• Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won’t spoil me.
• Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?
• There’s no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.
• Sweat is nature’s way of showing you your muscles are crying.
• You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
• I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
• I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
• Men don’t roar, women roar. Then they throw heavy objects.
• Just because you’re paranoid, it doesn’t mean they’re NOT out to get you. (from Bill Murray)
• I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
• Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
• I have a problem with authority. I AM the authority!
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
• Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
• Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will Whiz on your computer.
• Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
• Motherhood: the longest guilt trip you’ll ever take.
• Motherhood: Another reason why we need God’s constant help.
• I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
• Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can’t get his pants off!
• If nothing sticks to Teflon, then how does it stick to the pan?

Credits: source unknown.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator’s Society) if they ever get it organized.

Credits: unknown.

If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he’ll be a mile away — and barefoot.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Credits: unknown

An Exercise to Help You Explore What You Really Want Out of Life

1. List 20 things you love to do. Put down whatever comes to mind without judging it or wondering what others would think about it. There are no right or wrong answers.
• They can be big or little things in your life;
• things appealing to the senses or more abstract pleasures;
• things you’ve always enjoyed or relatively new experiences;
• things that you do or that others do for you;
• things done indoors or outdoors, at night or during the day, or in different seasons of the year;
• be as specific as you can; and,
• remember, this is your list
2. Pick your favorite five activities.
3. Now ask yourself the follow questions about each favorite activity.
• Does cost more than $5.00 to do?
• Do you do it alone?
• Do you do it with others?
• Does it require planning?
• Did you do this five years ago?
4. How many days it has been since you last engaged in these activities?

Credits: Mind Garden, Inc., New Harbinger Publications, Oakland, CA.

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again. I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day. I want to return to a time when life was simple.

When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn’t bother you, because you didn’t know what you didn’t know and you didn’t care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again. I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So….here’s my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you’ll have to catch me first, ’cause…

…”TAG!”

“YOU’RE IT!!!”

Credits: Original source unknown.