Fall 1978 - April 1983

Fall 1978

"What a nice and cozy arrangement," said sweetly, yet sarcastically.

Three bits I saved from a book titled, Dear Bill, Remember Me?

"She got up and walked around the room. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter at all. What difference does one evening make in a person's life? What difference, for that matter, does one person's life make in the world? You could be miserable, rejected, jilted, over-looked your whole life long and it wouldn't make any difference -- except to you, and you are only one person, and one person doesn't make any difference."

"I have to Now, let's see. If I take this slowly, step by step, maybe I can make some sense out of these last few days. Because somehow it seemed that in the past days of life that everything had become tangled and unmanageable; like a thread going wild on a bobbin. It wasn't really in the last few days, of course. This had been coming on for a couple of years or more, but the confusion was suddenly so clear (which didn't make sense either, but at this point absolutely nothing was making any sense) that there simply was no possibility of continuing to ignore it. Now let's see."

"I got my books and started home. It was still snowing; gray, clouded, damp. I walked fast. I was thinking about our family. It wasn't going to be the same again. No use pretending. Some things change whether you want them to or not. I couldn't control (anyone's) life. But my own life was something else. I stopped, packed snow into a ball and threw it at a big red stop sign on the corner. My aim was perfect. The snow splattered right on the T."

About Jonathan Livingston Seagull, by Richard Bach

"People who make their own rules when they know they're right people who get a special pleasure out of doing something well (even if only for themselves ) people who know there's more to this whole living thing than meets the eye: they'll be with Jonathan Livingston Seagull all the way. Others may simply escape into a delightful adventure about freedom and flight. Either way its an uncommon treat."

"God is always with us:
He walks in front of us, to lead us;
He walks behind us, to give us courage;
He is above us, to give us wisdom;
He is beside us, to give us friendship;
and He is inside us, to give us peace."

"Whenever I think of you,
I find myself
drifting through time
aware of everything
you are."

"We all have dreams.
Some come true;
while others become plays
never to be performed."

"I have a commitment to you.
A commitment
written in the wind
giving you my love
as I live."



could be
should be
would be
might be

"FLY AWAY, to the bright side of the day."

"We don't have control over the things which happens to us,
nor the things yet to happen, but the important thing to remember
is to learn to cope with the situation."

as a symbol of
freedom, peace, truth and love.
as a token of our friendship.

Fall 1979

Piece of a song by John Denver

"Do you care about what's happening around you?
do your senses know the changes when they come?
can you see yourself reflecting in the seasons?
can you understand the need to carry on?"

If I ever make it through high school and then make it through college, I'm going to sing this Barry Manilow song. Right now, graduating from college seems like such a long, long time away:

"We dreamers have our ways of facing rainy days and somehow we survive. We keep the feelings warm; protect them from the storm, until our time arrives. Then one day, the sun appears and we come shinning through those lonely years. When friends are had to find and life seems so unkind, sometimes you feel afraid just hang beyond the clouds and rise above the crowds and start your own parade. Because when I chase my fears away, that's when I knew I could finally say: I made it through the rain and kept my world protected. I made it through the rain and found myself respected by the others who got rained on too and made it through."

After Christmas, 1979

...but what is love? No one can write a standard definition for love, because it's something much too complex to understand totally or much too unique as different people see it from different points of view. Yet bits of understanding can be obtained as time goes on. One piece means caring when a person says "I love you", it should mean, "I want to emotionally care about you" and it should mean that person wants to take the responsibility to care about them. Although, sometimes, many times, love relationships don't work this way. Sometimes people think it's enough just to say those three words and leave it at that. But there's more; a world of things more.

I often wonder if I'm "just in love with love." But I think, that even though I've been uncertain about different relationships, that I treasure the goodness and pureness of love too much to be "just in love with love" Although, I think that love is a lot more than I thought it was.

"You just call out my name, and you know wherever I am, I'll come running to see you again. Winter, spring, summer or fall all you have to do is call, and I'll be there; you've got a friend. If the sky above you grows dark and full of clouds, and that old north wind begins to blow, keep your head together, and call my name out loud; soon you'll hear me knocking at you door. You just call out my name, and you know where ever I am; I'll come running "

Carole King


"So far away
doesn't anyone stay in one place anymore;
and you are so far away "

"I wish I was back on the insane farm, where I lived last year. Getting up at an ungodly hour, in my own little house; the sound of running water in the back ground, the winter snow, that white cat, and a deer now and then to be seen walks in the woods and sitting by the stream; where I learned how to walk and how to cry, how to run and how to fly; where nights were black and days were blue; where I found myself and where I met you."

David Tate

Dear World,

Is it wrong to want someone to be a better person, because you like them; and therefore try to change them? Yes. No one can live the life of someone else. There is no right for anyone to make someone become something else or plan who they might become. Everyone has the right to be himself; every person has the moral right to be who they choose.

Everyone should only be concerned with his own life; to keep bettering himself and enjoying the world around him, to try everything, to live, enjoy and continually give of himself and share. Giving and sharing: that's all that matters.

It's not a question of liking or disliking,
but accepting: accepting people as who they are.

A time for a change: a new beginning -> a chance to become all we were meant to be.
A time to start again.

Change and progress is everywhere. Almost everything needs some sort of change; it's hard to find one thing that would be perfect for everyone. It seems that once something changes -- whether it's better, worse, or totally different -- things will never be quite the same way again.

Might a way be learned as to how to communicate thoughts and the imagination in a way that it would be understood?


O' what might be designated as the important things of life; the important things that should be learned or acquired?

A comfortable life a world at peace a world of beauty an exciting life equality family security freedom happiness inner harmony mature love national security pleasure salvation self respect sense of accomplishment social recognition or wisdom?


'Tis all very confusing

does it really matter though?

cry for the children

like the example of something being (if it is possible) different and yet still very much the same.

When will it be my turn for the good things in life?
Will I ever belong? Do I really belong somewhere?

Is there more to life than just living through it? Yes, it has to be possible, because there is a very deep feeling of something more -- something more. Very important to be learned by living It's a privilege and yet no one seems to be aware of this does anyone care, that there might be more to grasp? There is something very important to be learned by living; that of course there is more to life than just living through it, because the world is just too special not to have a divine and perfect plan. There must have been someone at the very beginning of time who really cared, because the world reflects all of that love in the beauty and freeness that shows through in nature.

Yet will this love ever run out? Is it now almost gone? Why? Why did everyone use it all up and not save me any?

"There's a lot of sense in living, when the world we know starts giving, and we can spread our wings some sunny day, and fly away but till we all fly together, what sense does it make?"

Seals and Croft, Nine Houses

project yourself into the picture to create a story

Today is Tuesday the 5th of February

Right? Then again, how would you know for certain, when you don't know what day it is that I'm speaking of? Yes that is correct. And furthermore, how should you know if what I say is true about a particular day? You know I could be lying Oh, for Frith's sake stop jibbering over nonsense and continue with a fresh start and clear mind. So we shall say the date stated is rightly correct.

Again the question appears to be: is it the question that we are questioning or the statement that has been questioned, that has lost its answer? Oh well, shall we ever really know?

At some strange and revealing time, will every question be aware of its answer yes true answer. Because it would be no good to give false ones; everyone would then question the answers given to answer all questions. Yes I am sure that it would have to be the rightly correct answer, or no one would believe again that the answer to every question might be given. Now would they? No I wouldn't think so.

Dear World,

OH! What shall I write? What great wisdoms should I pass on today, or is yet tomorrow? But shall we ever really know

What about the true meanings behind special (and many times left unsaid) thoughts What might be the rule to use these special thoughts?

Yet, might we not expand and say: What might be those great (and never really understood) rules of life which we all must follow, but never really do; yet we get there all the same

But where might we consider as being "there"? A place or destiny?

Shall we ever really know?

'Tis neither here nor there.


Any well written piece of writing bestows a point or gives something to the reader, rather than having endless, meaningless words scattered on a page.

Searching for peace and finding it among the great beauty of the smallest of things a single drop of water hanging from a spider's web; the buzzing of a bumble bee, siphoning nectar from a purple flower; two brightly colored butterflies dancing on the air; the sweet love songs of the birds of the sky; the gurgling of a mountain stream running near by; and the soft breeze of spring blowing through the grass and trees.

"Come away by yourself to a lonely place
and rest awhile."

Mark 6:31

"And it shall come to pass:
that before they call,
I will answer;
and while they are yet speaking
I will hear."

Isaiah 65:24

Senior Year, 1980 - 1981

About Sadie Hawkins Day

Sadie Hawkins Day was invented through a comic strip, Li'l Abner, of the 1930's by American cartoonist, Al Capp. The invention of Sadie Hawkins Day achieved international popularity after being introduced into the comic strip in 1934 and thereafter became a tradition observed widely in the United States, usually on a Saturday in November; popularly, an occasion when women and girls are encouraged to take the initiative of inviting the man of their choice for a date.

Sadie Hawkins was a character in the strip who was the daughter of Hekzeblah Hawkins, an early settler to the hillbilly country side of Dagpatch, USA; which is the major setting of the comic strip. The story goes that Sadie was the homeliest gal in the hills and after many years of waiting for someone to marry her, her Pappy took firm measures to find his daughter a husband. He declared a "Sadie Hawkins Day", where all the bachelors would race and the fellow she caught would be her husband. The other Dogpatch spinsters allowed it, since it was such a good idea, to become an annual affair.

Later in the comic strip, it was such a day that Daizy Mae and Li'l Abner, the main characters of the story, finally were brought together after many attempts by Daizy Mae to hook Li'l Abner, the man of her dreams.

Notes from English Class

THE THOUGHT OF HAMLET: Hamlet must decide between a what seems and a what is. A question to face -> What is real and what isn't? (borrow an answer?) But can't prove that anything exists except by own imagination and can't really prove that ourselves exists, except by saying.

I think therefore I am.


Need to measure the reality. Must make a value judgment. But can't live in our 'own world'. Need to make value judgments as to good and bad for the moment. When making a decision or intelligent guess -- choose to do what seems to be the most attractive alternative; find an answer suitable for now and base action on this judgment. The problem is solved through understanding oneself. It's interesting to watch people change sometimes, they are not quite ready to listen to what is real.

...as the suffering hero is imposed by outside forces; our dreams are imposed by outside forces.

"To thine own self be true." Shakespeare, Hamlet

"We know what we are, but know not what we may be." Shakespeare, Hamlet

" there's a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, 'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come: the readiness is all. Since no man has aught of what is't to leave betimes? Let be."

("Since all we really possess are our endowments of personality and spirit. What does it matter when we leave the world. Let be: Let the matter pass.")

Hamlet, Act V Sc II

IT'S NOT PERSONAL; it's professional: only professional. (Wemmick speaking of Jaggar's stiff personality)

Colt; strawberry blonde
Bouncing through waves of green
Freedom released to discover endless rolling foothills from a distant past of freedom.

wild horses running
in golden fields; soaring birds
in the clear blue sky.


I am
A looking glass to the world.
An outlet for expansion, imagination, exploration;
Many different worlds to be seen from the same
Space in time.

But does anyone care about the windows? or care if they hear your whispers? Because, they have feelings too. (They most certainly do.) They are the ones who collect thoughts; store them inside themselves forever. Remember all the times you just stared out the window? All of your most deep and precious thoughts were trapped inside that thin sheet of glass. Yet, don't forget, that someday the continuous tension placed upon that window will make it break shattering every one of those precious thoughts; all collected so carefully.

spreads by love and joy
to you, I send this wish


the world would be
without light,
and love.

tiny spirits of joy lots of tinkling bells, tintinnabulation.

Rainbows apologize for angry skies.


The waves side onto the beach,
Then slip back into the ocean--
only to return again.


Please other things,
stay by my side.
For yesterday you left me,
and yesterday, I cried.

Kathleen Swart

Nature, the wilderness and the wildlife are the important aspects of life; they are resources, pleasure, life -- and each person has the responsibility to not destroy these endless beauties with human carelessness.

Oh, I love the life within me--
I feel apart of everything
here and now.

Peace let it be,
that the big horn will always be the reflection to the mountains to which they roam free.


I know of a land where time stands still,
And life goes on as before,
Where animals run and roam wild and free;
It's the place where the eagles soar.

Freedom lies in all they do,
Freedom, to be reborn,
For all they ask is to be left in peace
At the place where the eagles soar.

Now all is quiet, for they know not
Of the changes which are in store,
For life will soon be different here
At the place where the eagles soar.

Man has won, they all have gone,
The cry of years is no more;
Now silence rules where freedom dared
At the place where the eagles soared.

Terri Davis

Why can't I discover the answers to the persisting and never ending questions of life? There must be a solution to every problem or question; only first it must be found.

Is everyone always expected to be brave?

Someone predict the future for me; tell me what it's going to be like.

Sometimes it's hard to be yourself when you really don't know who you are. So lost and confused, trying to understand; comprehend.

such a long, long way to run

escaping again
into a dream land
of thoughts and ideas
to wish and to explore
the places only my mind can go
to venture past the gates
of reality
to a far off fantasy land.

Wish I could stay here forever.
When will it be my turn to be someone he tells me I am someone special, yet I don't feel special. He says that it's enough to like yourself.

Greensleeves, Eloise Jaruis McGraw

" and torn away her mask; worst of all, this was a mask I hadn't known I was wearing. It raised the question of how many more masks there might be underneath. It raised another question, too, one I didn't even want to formulate, yet couldn't answer."

A question of who is the inner self?

Dibs -- In Search of Self, Chapter Eleven

" this is a toy village", he said. "Let's see what we have here. Churches. Houses. Trees. I will build a village with these", he commented. "Here are two churches. I will start with the churches. I will make this taller church the center of my village. And I'll put this little church over here. Then I'll select my houses and line them up in neat rows of streets. This is to be a small town, so there can be more space around the houses. And small towns and little villages always have churches. See the steeple on the church? This will be a whole world of houses " He moved a few of the buildings. "I created this little town", he said. "I have made here a little world of houses. I have planted the trees around it. I have imagined the sky and the rain and the gentle winds. I have dreamed up the seasons. And now I'll call forth the spring. The trees are growing into leaves. It is nice and beautiful and comfortable in this quiet little town. There are people walking down the street. The trees grow silently along the way. The trees are different. The trees have different kinds of bark on their trunks."

"I have used up all the houses", said Dibs. "There are none left." He placed more of the trees around the village. "This tree has green edges", he said. "It stands here, pointing up, up, up to the sky. It whispers secrets as the wind passes by. 'Tell me where you have been?', asks the tree of the wind. 'Tell me what you have seen? For I have roots that tie me to the earth and I must stand forever here.' And the wind whispers back, 'I never stay. I blow away. Away today. Away, I say. Away. Away.' And the tree cries out, 'I want to go with you. I don't want to stand here alone; sad. I want to go with you. You seem so glad.' Oh well "

"I guess Dibs only wanted what we all want, on a world wide scale: A chance to feel worth while. A chance to be a person wanted, respected, accepted as a human being, worthy of dignity."

"As I said I wanted it;
as you said you wanted it;
as we said we wanted it."

I wouldn't mind if you stayed awhile."

"Feelings are everywhere; be gentle."

are sometimes painful;
filling my mind with memories of you.
haunting shadows of long ago:
filling my mind with faded pictures of you.

to preserve the past:
filling my mind with precious memories of you.

The Edge of Next Year, Mary Stolz

" or maybe the best would be not to be born at all, but it was too late to do anything in that line. People didn't have any choice about being born. A rotten arrangement, when you thought about it. Here it was the most important thing that ever happened to you, and you didn't have anything to say about that either, but if you hadn't been born in the first place you wouldn't have to worry about what was going to happen to you in the last place.

And it was funny. Every year you had a birthday and knew it; maybe had a party or maybe didn't, but anyway you knew that was the day you'd been born. But every year, too, a day went by that was going to be your -- death day, would you call it? -- and it just went by, like every other day, every year except one."

" to those of us who knew the pain, long ago and far away; the world was younger than today: dreams were all they gave for free "

"So if you're out there waiting, you know I need relating not solitude."

Brightly shines the lamp of the future: the lamp glowing endlessly, but revealing none of the truths held within. Each soul must follow a different spectra or ray to a destiny all their own.

does it really matter anymore




high purpose and to make things better

a positive attitude

My answer from a Citizenship Education paper, question #4
"Success can only be measured by the goals set by oneself and achieving them to the best of one's ability."

Say Good bye

Summer 1981

time goes on forever
and things change because of it;
nothing can be the same for very long,
because time is always there to create change.

VICISSITUDES - constantly occurring change in fortune or condition.

the clock keeps ticking
TIME? Time. Eternity.

"Where have all the flowers gone?"

"There never seems to be enough
time to do the things you want
to; once you find them."

slowly, rapidly
ticking, moving, sounding
as important as life itself
Leanne Musselman

There's a time for all things. Shakespeare, Comedy of Errors

Sopholes - The long unmeasured pulse of time moves everything. There is nothing hidden it cannot bring to light, nothing once known that may not become unknown.

keep believing
always something magic
always something new

you can't run away forever

I treasure your love
I never want to lose it
I want to show you how to use it

remember everything that I told you
and I'm telling you again that it's true
when you're alone and afraid and you're completely amazed
to find that there's nothing anybody can do

keep on believing, and you'll discover baby
that there's always something magic
there's always something new

and when you really, really need it the most
that's when rock 'n roll dreams come true, for you.

September 14, 1981

I remember I said once that the reason for drawing in the margins became a habit of thinking; deciding and considering thoughts. At this moment, I listen to the radio and consider each thought that seems to wander through. This moment seeks stillness and a tranquility of emotion; a time when peace spreads through the mood of the moment. I hope it lasts; without interruption.

Many times, it's moments of this relaxed kind that finds some precious thoughts, and yet they become lost through a change of atmosphere. Although, other times such quiet times are lost by thoughts becoming confused or distorted.

Fall 1981

A poem by Lois Jean Breedlove

I'm tired of being a nobody
Living in the middle of nowhere
Having no reason for existence
Just watching life go by.

People laughing, passing by,
Seem to look right through me
As if I weren't there
Perhaps, they just don't care.

Do they know how it feels
To be alone in a crowd
Or how it feels to be different
Ignored, unseen?

I'm going to find an end to this
But I don't see a chance ahead
Somewhere, someday
I'll find a way.

As I sit alone in this world of my own, the day comes to a close rather slowly. The moment fills itself with feelings of loneliness and solitude. I find myself alone within my quiet place thinking; fighting a battle of emotions and thoughts.

Beyond these walls of security, the world outside revolves and proceeds in an ordinary fashion. Yet I, one person, locked with my own boundaries, continuing to sit and stare absently without direction of thought, have no control concerning outside matters.

Tomorrow will be a new day; a new beginning. Yet, a challenge of survival must be met: can the emptiness of my life be mastered before tomorrow comes? Will the happenings, thoughts and feelings of today be significant to tomorrow's arrival? Can an escape be made, to free myself my own lonely, destitute state of being?

"...could have all the right ingredients, give plenty of time and care, and still get nothing."

Loneliness is painful. Never to be recognized or noticed. A life-long hurt of rejection. Oh world-- do you care? Is it a matter of fairness? Or just wonderful personalities I'm all alone; with just me just me.

What is his name? Where is he? "I need you. Please come into my life." Who will he be; what will he look like; will he love me the way I love him?

"It's going to take a lot of love to change the way things are."

TCS 200X, Fall 1981

The inside of a high school can be compared to a miniature society. The whole atmosphere seems to reflect a "separate reality" from the real world or even the reality of home life. As the student enters the building of classes, teachers, and fellow students, he enters a different world, with a different set of standards.

The best teacher has a power of authority in the classroom, yet show fairness to all the students. The few good teachers I had were "the best". Each had unique qualities, and left a heavy impression on me. Each gave me something special to think about and the desire to grasp for more; a desire to learn. Their personality lent to their purpose; they always had a direction or goal. They liked to share themselves with people, and the majority of the students always loved them. It's hard to say what exactly made them the best, only that they had always been that way: just very special people.

I didn't enjoy my high school years. I was very lonely, and very much alone. (lonely; the one word to describe my whole high school experience.) I've often heard, from an older generation, the expression: "high school is the best times of a person's life." Yet, I didn't find it enjoyable, but rather I found myself all alone; I was my only real friend.

The main difference I found between the majority of my peers and myself was that I enjoyed attending school, while they seemed to dislike and many times stated how much they hated the whole idea of school. This, and other reasons, seem to contribute to my never having a place in the school system of belonging.

Describing the best and worst job I ever had is difficult, because of my lack of experience with jobs. Yet, I would say that I have found I enjoy physical work; like having to rake enormous amounts of leaves or to help build something.

My growing up years were spent on a ranch in California. I miss that atmosphere now; I miss the hard work and pleasure of living on the farm. My family had a goat dairy. We owned about 150 goats, along with raising horses, cattle, pigs, sheep, rabbits, and chicken at different times. The work, divided among my mom, brother, and I was demanding, yet rewarding.

Every morning we were in the barn at 4:30a, where about 75 does needed to be milked, along with feeding all the other animals before catching the school bus.

It's a special feeling being able to watch, raise, and love a baby animal.

"What is success? What is the American Dream, the American Way?" I feel that I don't have one personal thought or certain beliefs about life or success or anything that totally is my own. I have acquired knowledge from my family, friends, and other sources, yet what is my idea: save a combination of the goals and attitudes given to me by my environment. People receive ideas from the people around them and their environment; everything around the individual has an affect on him.

What does success mean? Being the best? Yet, what is "Best"? Perhaps, success means being happy? Happiness is a nice goal to achieve. Many times the goals set that would be considered to make one successful run parallel to the goals that would make one happy; obtaining the things that one feels they should obtain. Money would be considered happiness and success for some people. A quote from Jay Slabaugh, out of the book American Dreams: Lost and Found : "The American Dream is to be better off than you are. How much money is "enough money"? "Enough money" is always a little bit more than you have. There's never enough of anything. This is why people go on. If there was enough, everybody would stop. You always go for the brass ring that's always out there about a hundred yards farther. It's like a mirage in the desert: it always stays about a hundred yards ahead of you."

March 5, 1982

A very dim light shines across my desk; spreading a soft yellow glow and gentle shadows across the page. Beside me is my radio, playing one of my favorite tapes--"Jonathan Livingston Seagull". Against my arm is my typewriter. It sits resting this evening, after a busy afternoon of use.

The lighting, music, and quiet atmosphere reminds me of an old friend; made me think once again--as I often realize--that I am lonely, and miss having a friend around.

The darkness is relaxing; the room is filled with darkness, and it makes a relaxing atmosphere after a busy afternoon of last minute mass scramble to finish an important term paper that is due Monday. I can now relax and settle into bed. Thinking warm thoughts about...

March 30, 1982

I miss having a friend. When am I going to have a best friend again? It's been such a long, long time...

A poem by Susan Polis Schutz

Many people
go from one thing
to another
searching for happiness
but with each new venture
they find themselves
more confused
and less happy
until they discover
that what they are
searching for
is inside themselves
and what will make them happy
is sharing their real selves
with the one they love.

I keep finding my thoughts lead me to sadness in the realization that my thoughts are only memories and what could be rather than finding happiness in believing that a reality exist which my thoughts could live in.

Wednesday, April 7, 1982

Pretty blue heavens and bright sunshine; white puffy clouds breezing upon the wind drifts it's so beautiful this afternoon. I would really enjoy being outside playing but I gotta study. Although, I decided to sit and relax for awhile before opening the books. After returning from my last class this afternoon, I felt very tired and at a loss of energy to do anything.

I suppose my favorite class is the study of JRR Tolkien. If ever a way existed to travel to another world, I would go to Middle Earth.

This summer and Farrier School seems so far away. Yet, the days seem to pass quickly too. I don't know. I feel sometimes that I don't have anything solid in my life to look forward to. Someday I want to have my own land for horses and goats, but that's a long, long time in the future. It would be nice to know that things will get better; that each day isn't a matter of 'just living' to the next day, but that each day brings happiness enough for the enjoyment of just living. And I have a feeling this summer won't be that enjoyable.

Now that the sun is setting, the clouds reflect the soft pinks and purples created by the ending of the day. It's really nice.

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errand meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.

JRR Tolkien

A Monday in April, 1982

When the wind blows the elements of the world harshly, it seems to magnify the loneliness that I feel. Walking across campus with the raging wind makes everything about life feel insecure; that everything that isn't permanent will be beaten on and tossed about. Yet, it seems, that the permanent objects are fighting too; just to remain unmoved.

When looking at myself, walking alone by myself and lonely, I see myself being blown about by the wind with no direction or blown away from my chosen direction. But those walking, who could be lucky enough to have someone next to them, are never really safe; the wind tears at the couple clinging to each other; that, though they are somewhat permanent, they are treated as just obstacles that hinder the way. They are torn at by the wind, made to suffer as they cling to each other for support against the wind.

Yet, I suppose the really lucky ones are those that are locked inside a warm sturdy building with a warm cozy fire blazing near by. Inside this building, the couples cling to one another, but not having to grip tight in fear of being swept away with the wind. But looking to one another as the one person closest to them, and sharing a care for one another that no strong wind will ever hinder.

Spring 1982

repeating reflections of images

"Every why hath a wherefore." Shakespeare

Wherefore, for what purpose or reason; why

"There are two tragedies. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it." George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman

"The crux of the biscuit is the apostrophe." FZ

friends and laughter
circles, sunsets, and mountain tops,
soft stuffed animals, butterscotch drops, and butterflies in spring;
pictures of the past, sweet scents, and escaping from reality;
unicorns, glass treasures, and far off fantasy things;
bubbles and sweet dreams,
and creating new things.

Unicorns have the history of being the healers, the peace protectors, and a source of magic.

"Now I will believe that there are unicorns."

Precisely when or where or how the legend of the legend of the unicorn began is not known. The mystery of its origin is one of the legend's most evident charms and lends to the fantasy of such animals. In legend, the unicorn is a fabulous, mythical animal resembling a horse or a kid, with a long, single horn growing from the center of it's forehead. Usually pure white in color, it symbolized purity and chastity in the Middle Ages. Some of the earliest interpretations represent the unicorn the size of a kid or horse; as a strong fierce animal in it's natural state. Naturally savage and quarrelsome, even with females, the unicorn is said to become gentle to his mate at mating times, which is supposed to have given rise to the medieval idea that the unicorn is subdued to gentleness at the sight of a virgin, and will come and lay his head in her lap; which is the only means by which he can be caught on account of his swiftness and ferocity. The unicorn, supposedly, could be tamed only by the touch of a virgin.

A poem by Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know
His house is in the village, though
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farm house near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake
The only other sounds the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely dark and deep
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep.

Sitting in my dorm room...

As the burning sky and light of today continues to shadow the things of the world, I find myself trapped inside walls built by my own thoughts. Laughter echoes from beyond the walls of security; just to be a part, to be included in the vast whole of everything.

The Lord of the Rings, JRR Tolkien

"Dreams and legends spring to life out of the grass..."

"Do we walk in legends or on the green earth in the daylight?"

"The green earth, say you? That is a mighty matter of legend, though you tread it under the light of day!"

"All that glistens is not gold." Cervantes
"All that is gold does not glitter." JRR Tolkien

About JRR Tolkien's, Lord of the Rings: Good can perceive evil, but evil can't perceive good; Saurons greatest fault is that he has no imagination.

QUESTION: Do you like unicorns?
ANSWER: Yes, I'm infatuated and very intrigued by the mystical unicorn

In the clouds are written the messages of my thoughts. I am proud and mighty; my goals are the unknown and the treasuring the past. These words of wisdom I speak to you for you to know me better. I am the unicorn untamed and wildly free. Forever am I to roam the plains of existence, capturing the mystery of all who see me.

Another day

The sound of falling images from the sky. Yes, emptiness, as everything falls away from the ways I've always believed. What is the answer to the forgotten worlds of yesterday? Does anyone know the answers? I must fight with myself; a battle of wants and desires: wanting too many things at one time. Say, will a time exist in which everything will no longer be a struggle?

Another day

Love or infatuation?

"wanting to be me, but needing to belong." BM

I kept asking myself: "Why do we love each other?" But I didn't really know how to answer; didn't even know if we really did love each other; did I really loved him? I wrote this note to myself: "Can make a list of qualities that do or don't apply to being "in love", but not say the real reason for "why". Being in love is (or should be) more of an inner overflowing feeling of warmth and caring and an understanding of the love and caring that two people share."

Summer 1982

June 1982

A better place to be

"Time, time, time: the beginning of a story. Truth, truth, truth: is a secret never told. Love, love, love: just another word. Peace, peace, peace: I don't believe it." Harry Chapin

This is HERE; NOW. Yet tomorrow, or some random day in the future, when I think back to this moment -- or any other distinct moments that I felt a specific feeling -- the thoughts are all going to be just shadows of thoughts; probably won't be able to really recapture what it felt like: HERE and NOW.

It's tomorrow already; it was when I started.

Good feelings and bad. Feelings about wanting to get to know someone better, to expand their knowledge to a part of my learning. Feelings about wondering what is right and questions of knowing the differences between right and wrong.

Remembering some things that Steve from Arizona said to me:

"Love can't be defined. It's something like total energy; a unity of people, the joining of two souls. Love is one of the most powerful energies of this world; the only trouble is that you must learn how to trust the love."

"If you do something for a religion, understand how that action relates to your religion." (said in conversation while he was telling about a Jewish girl he knew from school that did something at Christmas time, but didn't know why and how it connected to her belief.)

"Society puts too much emphasis on emotions; such as anger, people don't know how to get rid of it."

"If you trust yourself; know yourself, you can do anything. Learn 'yourself' first, then learn about others; understand better, comprehend."

Advice about present: "Don't worry about anything not directly concerned with now. Very few things concern people directly."

"Examine the pain: feel; helps you to grow; growing is important."

"It's terrible to compare two people--it's one of the worst things to do--yet it's the only way to put a value on someone."

"Find the true reality."

Saturday, July 3, 1982

From a Pink Floyd song: "Hey you, out there but it was only fantasy . . can you help me hey you! ...don't tell me to be strong together we stand; united we fall."

Today. Huh. Well I had breakfast at lunch.

..and thinking about a past lonely conversation, because I felt deserted.

Henry David Thoreau writes: If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours.

Why should we be in such desperate haste to succeed, and in such desperate enterprises? If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears, a different drummer.

Late Summer 1982

Marion wrote:

"...feeling comfortable being in control, but awaits outside initiation of action; enjoyment from the excitement, or fear of the unknown arising from a venturing into the protected space."

"It would be very selfish to keep you from the rest of the world, so I'll try not to."

"...radiate a reassuring warmth."

From a book titled, The Nobody Road by Joan Oppenheimer

...they sat in a comfortable silence for several minutes, sipping their coffee. Outside, large soft snowflakes drifted against the window to melt almost instantly and run in tiny rivulets down the glass

...her voice trailed off, and she inspected her spoon with great care for a moment before she went on. "There's an old song my Grandmother like to play, "You're nobody till somebody love you." Well, I want people to care about me, but how can they if I won't let them? I'm always turning them off, testing them, as if I'm trying to prove to myself that I am nobody."

The Nobody Road

Lots of people around
But I feel so alone,
All my words locked inside
A Heart made of stone.

It's a very sad thing
How I fade out of sight
So that nobody sees me at all.

I talk to nobody else
I walk a nobody road,
I don't know anybody but me.

Summer 1982

It's peaceful; the white to gray mix of sky with patches of blue is very pretty the clouds rest on the horizon, reaching skyward in silent poses; only to change with the next blowing or changing of the wind.

Before you can be part of a half, you have to be a whole.

'TIS SUNDAY, STILL. this is the park; green landscaping of tiny hills rolling around. It's strange to suddenly remember where you are -- this is ILLINOIS. WHERE AM I? I'M LOST SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY FROM THINGS THAT ARE FAMILIAR. Not necessarily 'home', but the LAST PLACE that holds remembrances of being familiar.

Buzz, a fly sweeps past. Bikers peddle past. A car drives past. The world is turning around; never stops. Nothing will slow down. Yet nothing will travel fast enough when that time comes. Everything programmed at something different than what is needed -- must always adjust the way things will be accomplished.

Is slow evenness the answer? Can't be. Must be cycles that fluctuate.

How have I changed? How different will I be tomorrow? "Nothing is constant, but change."

What about escapes from realities; looking for non-realities.

Being told I was: Over reacting. Being critical.

Monday, August 30, 1982

Today we are going to begin the last stretch home; about noon time or a little after.

"I don't know, where we went wrong, but the feeling is gone; and I just can't get it back." Gordon Lightfoot.

"Doesn't anybody ever stay together anymore "

Lots of different thoughts as the miles pass by. Happiness is eating peanuts in the middle of Wisconsin, traveling into a beautiful sunset; a cool breeze and a slightly bumpy road, writing by the soft yellow beam coming from the flash light while riding beneath the canopy on a very comfortable mattress.

It seems I've been offered a place to stay if I need a place to come to. But I couldn't stay there; I don't have a place anywhere that I could stay.

Fall 1982

Spelling horseshoeing with a hoof for the "O" in horse and a heartbar half round shoe for the "O" in shoeing.

Double Helix. the central dogma. that we believe it's true.

most important, understanding the present and fading pasts. Tomorrow will be a new day.

Somewhere between lovers and friends.

Aslan and Frodo live.



Who knows what tomorrow brings?

Tomorrow never comes.


What will happen tomorrow?

Michael Murphy, What's Forever For?

I've been looking at people and how they change with the time and lately all I've been seeing are people throwing love away, and losing their minds. Maybe it's me who's gone crazy, but I can't understand why: all these lovers keep hurting each other when good love is so hard to come by. So what's the glory in living. Doesn't anybody ever stay together anymore and if love never lasts forever. Tell me, what's forever for?

And I see love hungry people trying their best to survive when right there in their hands is a dying romance, and they're not even trying to keep it alive. So what's the glory in living. Doesn't anybody ever stay together anymore? Tell me, what's forever for?

Kenny Rogers, A Love Song

Why do people cry when they hear the word "goodbye" in a love song? Tears are sure to fall when you know, they gave it all in a love song. Somehow two lovers get a chance at a beautiful romance, and you wish it could be you. Because everybody's needing what the singers are all singing in a love song.

It can tear you apart, because a world can break apart in a love song. They say all the things you feel, and they make it sound so real in a love song. It seems that everything they say is said in such a way, that we believe it's true. Because everybody's needing what the singers are all singing in a love song.

Each of us knows there's no guaranty that we'll ever find love, and in the songs that we share, the heart ache is there to remind us. New love brings a thrill, and we know it always will in a love song. Happiness can leave, but it helps if we believe in a love song. There's a part of you in me, and in every memory that tells me who we are. And everybody's needing what the singers are all singing in a love song, and everybody's needing what the singers are all singing in a love song.

October 1, 1982

Outside, a gray mass of clouds rest across the sky. As I'm sitting at my desk, the radio breaks the silence of a lonely Saturday afternoon. A small desk lamp shines enough light to write in the dim circumference.

This past summer I had the opportunity to do some traveling. Over all it was an interesting journey.

As for relationships: I am no longer involved in a serious relationship. I suppose the biggest reason I ended the relationship has to do with searching for something, believing I had found that something, but realizing later that I had not.

Does this make sense? I realize what I just wrote is a very broad or vague description of a hypothetical search. Yet, it seems to be one way of looking at the reason I broke up the relationship.

More specifically, the reason probably centers around learning more about myself and because of "growing". I felt the relationship began to stagnate, and finally decided against being involved in that serious endeavor when I began to feel extremely uncomfortable and uncertain about the entire affair.

Oh well, live and learn.

I still would like to find someone special to be a part of my world, but things like relationships take time, and meeting the right person.

October 2, 1982

Right now, life is totally concentrated on school. I'm enjoying the lessons tremendously. I really enjoy the instructor. I amaze myself at the extreme fondness I've acquired for the building, instructor, work and entire program. In a way I'm scared and sad about realizing that the fourteen weeks will pass by too quickly, about learning everything possible, and about finding myself very lonely when I'm not at the school.

Class begins at eight each morning, and ends around four in the afternoon. It seems that the time spent at school is a world filled with awe, excitement and enjoyment. Then, as I leave school, I feel like I wander into a different world; a world filled with, perhaps, loneliness.

When I'm alone late at night, or merely away from school, I realize how much I care for the program and enjoy the work. I feel a tremendous longing for living on a ranch and raising animals again. Someday, I hope I can have my own ranch. I want a horse again more than anything. But, mean while, I have to learn a trade or earn a living working to support myself. Right now, I'm still living at home, but someday, I'll be on my own, working for the things I want.

When I think about my search, I wonder if this program will give me, or help me find, that something I'm searching for.

Anyway. "Life is a one-way street. No matter how many detours you take, none of them leads back." I.M.

November 25, 1982

It's a quiet afternoon. Today is for time to meditate on different thoughts about thankfulness. I hope these next weeks pass very slowly, because I love every hour of class, and I don't want it to end.

Lately, I've been complemented on my work. I hope I continue to do well, and will keep improving. I am undecided exactly what I will concentrate on next term. But till then I hope everything leads towards finding the best option to follow.

I've gotten the opportunity to ride some horses each week. Someone asked me to look after his horses when he takes off on weekends. The hoses are stalled at the fairgrounds, which isn't very far away from home or school.

Although, besides the brief care of the horses and school, my life is pretty quiet. My extra time is mostly spent in my room; studying, reading or just thinking. About the only times I go out is when I tend to the horses on the weekends, and yet these times the company consists of just me and the horses. I especially enjoy spending time riding at night through quiet streets in town. Although, often I wish the specialness of such times could be shared with someone.

A couple weeks ago, I went to see The Man From Snowy River; a neat story and beautiful photography.

After hearing a recent message presented in a worship service, a reoccurring question comes to mind. Christians often preach, "to know God". Yet, how does one learn to find God and get to know Him? Admittedly, the Bible speaks God's word, and perhaps at church God can be found, yet how does one obtain or find God a personal feeling within?

There are times that I feel totally lost; I feel as if I can't remember who I am or what I'm striving for. At times like these, I often think about God; who is He? And, all the while, wondering why I really can't find or know Him. I think I want to reach out, but I don't know where to start.

December 1982

"I think I'm in like!"

"...and if, as seasons pass, I see you no more, I'll not ask why or become dismayed. I'll be content with what we've shared, with what you gave"

And with each passing season, as another portion of another year passes by, it's realized that we must always proceed forward; which all reminds me of a brightly colored ribbon, symbolizing life as it flows continuously with time. And with this time, hopefully comes wisdom for the future, an understanding for the past, and a realization for perfecting the present; to make life what it should be.

Will you be my friend show me life through your perspective; teach me the things you feel are important; tell me your dreams, and write me a letter expressing all of your thoughts.


I want to be your friend.

Poem by Vicky Zubal, Phone Call:

The loneliness and empty feeling
Waiting, staring at the ceiling
Wishing, wondering, cautiously hoping.
Thinking, pondering, mind is groping.
It would be a dream come true,
If only I would hear from you

The phone rang

Within me, my heart quickened it's beat while I waited in anticipation to find out if the phone's ringing would hear my mental messages: Todd. Todd. Todd. Excitement rose higher when I received an answer to my silent pleading; the fantasy of wanting the caller to be Todd matched the reality of accepting the receiver to hear his voice.

As the caller offered an invitation for coffee, the voice, unknowingly, romanced my listening ear; how GOOD the voice sounded.

In the coffee shop, the warmth of our cups responded to the coolness of our hands as we exchanged thoughts once more. Happiness settled around me; I found contentment in his presence. But class was over, time for everyone to go home, and this evening we'd say goodbye for the last time.

Todd said with sincerity that he had enjoyed receiving my card; he liked what I had written. He said something about hoping I would have stopped by today, and was sorry that he missed me when I had.

The lyrics playing through a speaker above amused me while I sat thinking, and concentrating on Todd's handsome appearance. Can I be falling in love? My inner thoughts wrestled with sudden new feelings. The lyrics seemed to aggrandize these thoughts and feelings, enhancing me to think affectionately of Todd. Yet, I reminded myself, this meeting would be the last one until that someday when he'd return to see me again.

Thoughts of previous moments together filled my mind, as the conversation continued. I counseled myself to shut out any pain or hurt from over caring again. And yet suddenly I think I see caring in his expression; I think I hear caring in his voice and words. I became aware that maybe Todd's unspoken thoughts or emotions center around a deeper caring than he's willing to understand. Actually, I felt surprised by the things I heard Todd say, and by his odd actions. Maybe this merely reflects the surprise feeling experienced when finding the things looked for in places not counted on. It makes me wonder, what Todd is really thinking and feeling?

Friday, December 31, 1982

Quiet thoughts seem to complement the atmosphere of solitude in my quiet room. The radio plays peaceful melodies a small desk lamp shines in middle of shadowy darkness, obliging the need to formulate thoughts to paper.

I've been thinking about Todd often. I've wondered what he has been thinking and feeling. His letter offers encouragement as it replies to my wondering of his thoughts. Yet, I feel confused about what I should do about my feelings toward him. ie: I wonder if it's safe now to allow myself to really care?

My thoughts return often to that last evening together. It seems I daydream repeatedly about the quiet times we shared. The memories fill me with contentment; other times with loneliness. My thoughts search among these memories, seeking answers to many questions. I've written my thoughts of past events trying to capture and save the memory somehow; in hopes of capturing some secret.

Receiving his letter has given me more than simple encouragement, it also reflects that special, happy feeling he gives me just by being with him. I'll write him back soon; sending my schedule and reporting on classes. Although, then I feel it's his move.

I think of (my classmate) often, and I miss him.

January 3, 1983

It's midnight; the clock ticks its repetitive sound, as I review my new schedule. I felt happy today; I hope the happiness stays.

Winter 1983

January 5, 1983

I enjoyed the introductions to the classes of today. I tried not to let the pouring rain damper my kindled excitement about classes. However, now I must trudge homeward in more rain, carrying a great load of newly purchased books; for now it is time to study.

January 27, 1983

When considering different thoughts about happiness, I discovered that someone can not bestow perfect happiness upon another simply with good intentions of wishing for harmony in their life or by just having a caring feeling toward them. But everyone finds a harmony of happiness through their own initiatives and incentives. A favorite quote expresses this thought: "The great essentials of happiness are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for "

Sometimes I feel that I have a tight grasp on finding my harmony of happiness. But sometimes I find myself within my quiet place thinking; fighting a battle of emotions and thoughts. ("When you're lost, where do you begin?") And I try to remember, there will always be a tomorrow.

Garp expressed a thoughtful statement about growing and reaching towards tomorrow: "You only grow by coming to the end of something and by beginning something else. Even if these so-called endings and beginnings are illusions."

I think about a gratitude I feel in knowing Todd; somehow, knowing him has made me a little bit more aware of who I am, where I'm going, and the things I desire to find. Yet as the Fall season passed, I entered into a new phase to be challenged. However, school isn't the entire challenge of the present.

Lately, I've been having a reoccurrence of the feeling I can't remember who I am -- yet this feeling doesn't come from a depression of classes. It seems that classes pass easily and I look forward to the next one -- however I feel lost inside myself. And I keep returning to a wondering about now. Wondering how to define this phase. Wondering when it will be completed; what event or series of events will bring this phase to a close.

Today, I felt a need to obtain some advice; needed someone to talk to me. I decided to talk to Larry. Taking to Larry made me feel better, yet the feeling didn't go away. I feel as if I can't figure out what I want: about Todd, about God, about everything besides school -- because it seems I've somewhat mastered what to do about school, that's easy:

set forth and face it -- however, I feel lost in everything else...
...that somehow I have nothing but school.

"Everybody ought to get lost once in their life -- it's the only way to find yourself. Freedom is real, if you'll just reach out and take it."

I think about this quote, and wonder if it applies to me, because I feel that I have been lost several times in my life. And the part about freedom, I haven't totally figured out how to apply the philosophical meanings of this idea.

I've finished reading my novel by John Irving; I enjoy the way he presents a message about life through the bizarre or unique and very likable characters he creates. After reading both The World According To Garp and The Hotel New Hampshire, I feel a deep unexplainable understanding for people in general.

It seems that midterms have arrived already. I've been putting a lot of effort into learning how to study, and especially how to prepare for midterms. I passed my first Chemistry exam; I hope that's a consistent result through the rest of the term, especially in chemistry and zoology.

I never expected that I would see Todd every weekend, or even every other. Honestly, I don't know how to judge his thoughts or feelings, and therefore I feel lost in any anticipation about what to except from him in the future. My desire to bring back those fourteen weeks, or to find a similar happiness, never confronted anything about a definite schedule of seeing Todd.

Right now, as I evaluate my life, I feel that everything I desire to find mostly exists in a tomorrow somewhere in time; everything of the present is focused on tomorrow. Yet, as I think about Todd, my thoughts seem to be locked in a fading past, without any knowledge of a predictable tomorrow.

"My dreams have not expired entirely.
There are moments when I waver between
despair and hopelessness and flashes of

Although, this quote can apply to numerous ideas: as a general statement of my life, or perhaps as a specific description of uncertain feelings toward a relationship with Todd. I feel confused about how to classify my encounters with Todd. Someone talk to me: tell me what I should do about him and especially how to deal with my mom. When I asked Larry, he merely answered: do what I want, and not be concerned about what anybody else wants me to do. He feels I'm mature enough to know the difference between a right and wrong, and to take the responsibility for my own actions. That's a big help, when I really don't know what I want.

...happiness: what is happiness? Perhaps feelings, routine, or goals; perhaps developing friendship.

Anyway, enough about it all

During the routine of classes last week, I had the opportunity to trim feet on three horses. The time to revisit my first customer finally arrived, and the third horse, a Morgan gelding, belongs to a student in one of my animal science classes. My muscles hurt the following days, due to being out of condition. But I survived. I've been trying to attend the weight room regularly, yet a big difference exists between working with a horse and working with the weights.

Another day

The highlight of this past holiday season, turned out to be the chance to get together with an old friend; someone I had a crush on in High School, and who recently surprised me by a change in character.

The year I developed a crush on him, I had no idea the following year I would move away, or that four years later I would experience a reunion that would change the way I felt about God.

As a freshman, I became infatuated with a handsome upperclassman. The second semester of my first year, I spent my lunch hour hanging out where I could be near him. It was during this time each day that I proceeded to develop a friendship, and secretly hoped that he'd return the affections I felt for him.

It wasn't until the following year, that he finally asked me for a date. Although, we never did go out together: that evening, because he had two flat tires trying to get to my house to pick me up. The dance was over by the time he finally arrived.

When I went out with him recently, I realized that he was different than the guy I had the crush on in high school. We had a really great time; talking and walking and talking. We ended up talking instead of going to a movie. He pretended that it was my birthday at Farell's and I got a free ice cream. As we sat talking, he told me about his experiences with becoming stronger in this faith with Christ; I started to cry. On the drive home, we parked, and kept talking about his "walk." I told him how I had always asked God to be a part of my life, but that it never seemed to make a difference for me. In his car, with his prayers, I asked again for Christ to come into my life, and as I did, it really felt like He had.

Although, I still think I have a crush on the handsome boy from high school.

February 1983

"I hear the drums echoing tonight "

Some notes I saved from Todd's letters, expressing how he thought I had grown recently and giving me encouragement for the new semester: ". . . watch you grow stronger by facing up to some uncertainties ahead of you, gaining self confidence, and finding a more positive attitude (what you would call "being brave".) I like that.

"Just give it a whole new chance."

"There will always be a tomorrow."

"Is life really worth living?"
"What else can you do with it?"

"One just doesn't pass on by or throw away the story of their life,
however much one wishes it had read differently."

"Maybe we never stop being what we've intended in our hearts to be."

Notes to myself, Hugh Prathner:

"All I ask of you is that you accept me as I am."
"Yes, but all I ask of you is to accept that I don't."

To be alone, but
filled with loneliness;
to be alone, and
content with solitude.

A notebook: Lots of empty lines to be filled with meaningful thoughts of wisdom.

Horace Walpole once said that the world is comic to those who think and tragic to those who feel.

"Every why hath a wherefore." Shakespeare

"The Door as a symbol for the reality we have always longed for long to be 'inside of some door which we have always seen from the outside; to be at least summoned inside would be both glory and honor beyond all our merits and also the healing of the old ache.'"

April 16, 1983

Recently, I went to view The Last Unicorn, and now have read the book. After reading the novel, I found new insights to the thoughts expressed in the movie; the correlation between the novel and the movie was very pleasing.

I've been playing around with some ideas for a story that I would like to write. Some of my outlines or notes consist of drawings and sketches I've made; unfortunately my drawings are the closest I've been to any horses in the past several weeks. The other day in class I learned that the horse has 64 chromosomes; I wonder how many chromosomes the unicorn has?

For the moment I feel content to forget my worry about tomorrow; I've been told that the answers can't be found by reaching outward, but rather by looking inside. I learned recently, that to find God, I must look inside myself, and the hurt and anxiety is replaced by finding him there.


In the realm of "relationships", at the moment, I am trying to be content to be by myself. It seems the process of developing a relationship takes time, and being patient enough "to trust love" in finding the right person. However, being facetious: "How can something non existent have a state of being?"

and remember ->


Anyway. Been thinking about you.
Hope everything in your world is good, great.

Another day

When thinking about Garp's phases: it is not to say that growing occurs by completing the goal or by taking the final only; because, growing or learning occurs every day. It's my belief that Garp is trying to express that the benefits of one "phase" are not fully realized until the end of the particular phase comes and until another phase has begun.

From: A Gift of Wings, by Richard Bach

The world is as it is because that is the way we wish it to be. Only as our wish changes does the world change. Whatever we pray for, we get. Look about, sure enough, everyday the footsteps of answered prayer are ours to walk, we have only to lean forward and walk them, one by one. We always get what we pray for, like it or not, no excuses accepted. Every day our prayers turn more into fact. Whom we most want to be, we are.

The sky is always moving, but it's never gone. That no matter what, the sky is always with us. And that the sky cannot be bothered. My problems, to the sky, did not exist, never had existed, never would exist. The sky does not misunderstand. The sky does not judge. The sky, very simply, is.

I found it is not being loved and admired by other people that brings joy to living. Joy comes in being able, myself, to love and admire whatever I find that is rare and good and beautiful -- in my sky, in my friends, in the touch and the soul of my own living biplane.

From: In a Mirror, by Mary Stolz

To begin with, if you're going to keep a journal at all, you must be as honest, and must make yourself as clear as your ability and your reservations will allow. Ideally, you should begin as soon as you learn to write, so as to avoid having to bring things up to date. Ideally, of course, is a work like perfection or eternity -- you can say, but not achieve them. I shall need, therefore, having started this, to go back and forth, getting a bit of the present, filling in with a bit of the past. Keeping a journal must certainly improve my writing. Perhaps at the same time it will clarify, somewhat, my personal puzzle. We are, each of us, our own puzzle, and must each make our separate attempts to solve the things. Writing, I guess, is my way, though no doubt I'll wind up with unresolved sections. Who will not?

In my room the lamp burned softly, and there was lots of paper on the desk, waiting the way paper does for people who like to write. But I turned off the light and sat in the chair wondering what was wrong with me. I seemed to have lost my mind I'm much stronger than my heart, and I seem to have found the misplaced mind. (I think it is the same one.) And is it so important, love? As if life were a store, and you, upon entering, wished to buy the prettiest. "I'll take that," you say, pointing to Love and Beauty. "Sorry, but that's sold already." So you look around, and there is Friendship and Thought. "Very well," you say. "That." Choices are not simple, but they must be made.

I couldn't understand why it didn't turn it back to what it had always been. But, of course, nothing ever has. I suppose we all reach the Tree of knowledge at some time, and in our innocence and ignorance bite the fruit. Not Eve, and no one since, has been able to return the fruit to the branch and say, "Look, Lord, I never even touched it."

There are people in the world so beautiful and brave, without any consciousness of being so, that merely looking at them can put your conception of personal trials and desires in a better perspective. I feel a better person after I've been with them, though nothing in particular is said.

From, The Last Convertible

About secrets: keep one, you're its master; reveal it, you're its prisoner. Wine and anger betray all secrets, or time and chance.

A person can hide all but two things: that he's drunk and that he's in love.

People act the way they do because of what they've read, as much as of what happens to them.

Maybe we never stop being what we've intended in our hearts to be.

Can you face up to it? -- Face up to what? -- Losing your innocence. Every generation has to sooner or later; every generation sells out, one way or another. It's always been hard to face up to the moment, you're going to find out how hard it is, too. It's a lot easier to dropout than face up, however badly, day by day. Yes, it is. Maybe your innocence is dropping out The thing I guess we didn't want you to discover, but the thing you're got to find out for yourselves, is that everybody loses; that's what it means to join the human race. -- You have to pay your own way, don't you? -- We plan our lives and accidents change it. It's the present that matters people doing right by them, making the best of what you've drawn and remember, there's something to be said for a band of brothers; maybe even our quarrels will add up to something in the end. Who knows?