1983 - 1985

Summer 1983

...the ETCETERA -- the other things -- seemed to come to an end sufficiently. Yet too, seemed to end insufficiently. ie: Goodbyes are always insufficient.

Saturday, June 18, 1983

Boxes, drawers, and other miscellaneous stuff remains cluttered throughout a quiet room. Towards on side of the room, a slightly squashed stuffed puppy dog rests upon my suitcase. He sits watching me; talking to me through his quiet, sad eyes. It's been a long, hard trip, and now it's time to sit and relax after a long road, many miles, and stressful worries.

Near by, the radio plays assorted melodies at the turn of the dial; searching for a new station to settle at. Soon, I should begin setting up my bed frame, and begin organizing the clutter surrounding me; to organize those belongings that I treasure when I feel lonely or need security. But right now, the best security comes from having a roof over head, and a place--for now--to call home.


Today, the room appears more orderly and especially clean. The radio and my puppy dog remain near by to encourage me as I ponder at my desk for a moment. Outside my window I can overlook the large, fenced back yard and watch a breeze blowing through the trees.

The weather this past week has been off and on sunny. A few days were especially nice; sunny with a pleasant continuous breeze. Along the road, we drove through some mighty thunder showers; crossing the Great Plains.

After only two days of house searching, we found a really nice place, although, the house needs a tremendous amount of cleaning. It would be neat to get a dog; I've looked up the adds for puppies. I'd like a puppy to raise in our new town and new home. A Doberman perhaps, like the ones on Magnum PI.


After a morning of organizing the house, I've returned to my desk to relax a moment. The sky has clouded over today, and it's hot and muggy.

I've been sitting here thinking what would make a good name for a Doberman puppy. (did you know that puppy dogs have 78 chromosomes?) I really like the name, Chase, from the movie "Bare Essence", with actor Bruce Boxleitner playing the role of Chase. I especially enjoyed the character that BB portrayed in this movie; wonder if it would be a good image for a watch dog?

How about Bismuth Logic or Byron ?

Anyway probably would be a bad time to try to get a puppy; maybe I should wait awhile.

And anyhow, been thinking about you, a lot. Hope things in you world are good, great. 'Looking forward to hearing from you.

Monday, June 27, 1983

Dear Damon,

Another week has disappeared into yesterdays A cool breeze finds its way through my open window; a pleasant change from the past week of each day being increasingly hotter. But tonight it's raining.

The other night I enjoyed walking around outside late. I stood watching the almost full moon; thinking and wondering who else was standing, watching as it gracefully watched the world

'Been thinking about you tonight. I've been wondering what you've been doing. How are you?

It's difficult to travel to a new place, to arrive at a new city, and begin setting up a 'home'. It's a very empty feeling to be insecure; not knowing if everything will work out eventually. Especially fighting the loneliness, insecurity when there is no one around to hold onto.

I miss my friends.

I probably won't get a puppy for a while. Maybe someday.

Wednesday -- the sky overcast with clouds

This past week I've been trying to read my "Invitation to Biology" book this summer. But I can only handle about a chapter at each reading. Maybe, this summer I can pull out my Brandy Story to work on it. Yet I seem to bounce from spurts of creative energy to long intervals of profound nothingness.

Last night I dreamed that I had joined the Navy. It was a strange memory this morning, recalling the detail of the dream. It made me think about the movie "Officer and a Gentleman"; I tried visualizing what it would be like for me to attend an officers training session. The memory of the movie especially returned when the radio played, "Up where we belong".

It seems the radio has been haunting me a lot lately; playing lots of songs that cause deep lonesome wondering thoughts.

Hope all is well for you. 'till next time.

Thursday, July 7, 1983


The weather here seems to fluctuate between unbearable hot, thunder storms, and pleasant sunshine this past weekend, the sky clouded over with dark black thunder clouds. The lightening and thunder during the evenings exploded throughout the mass of dark overcast; creating an exciting atmosphere.

Yesterday, walking around exploring the campus, I enjoyed a day of pleasant sunshine. The nice day made me wish I was attending classes this summer; to be able to spend more time wandering across the campus in the beautiful sunshine. While wandering around, I passed the University's Dairy Store. After walking inside to visit, I couldn't resist a scoop of blueberry marble ice cream. YUMmmm.


One of the neat extra things about this house on Ironwood is that we have free cable for the TV. It seems that the cable has been left on for the past two years without anyone getting billed. Someone at the cable company must have been a poor record keeper. It's been interesting these past few weeks to watch some of the movies that I considered wanting to see in the theater. Recently, I especially enjoyed watching Greece 2. I've never seen the first one, and had thought the second one would be non thrilling. However, I was pleasantly surprised; guess I'm just too sentimental.

Madison has a 92FM station; "WMAD, FM 92". Although, it's not the station that I have been listening to here. Until I find a better one, I'll stay with 98FM, WISM. Yet lately I've been getting sick of the extreme repetitiveness of this station.

My current song infatuation is for "How do you keep the music playing?" Not sure of the title or who's song it is, but it's been haunting me lately; probably because it's played too often.

Sometimes I worry about how the love will last once I find that someone; how do you keep the music playing? Yet perhaps, as the song says, if someone is the best of lovers and the best of friends, the music never ends.

A few years ago, I enjoyed reading a book titled, Tomorrow is Forever. Within it's pages I found a paragraph that I especially like. The idea doesn't go along with Christian beliefs, but I like it anyhow:

"I don't know who thought it up the Persians or the Greeks, or somebody. They said in the beginning everyone in the world was happy. Then they sinned, and to punish them the gods decreed that every soul should be split in half. Since then each of us is born incomplete, and has to wander over the earth looking for the other half of himself, and nobody can be happy unless he finds it. But if you're lucky you find it, and unite with the one who's really the other half of you, and then you're right with the universe because you're complete."

Remember the one Thursday night I stayed late to talk; the night you and I talked in your room, discussing our relationship. Remember I said a lot about things I want in my life Do you think it's enough to want to find the other half?


Well, I finally got an Ewok glass, and I still think they are adorable.

Speaking of "cute adorables", how's Kisses?

Thinking of you

July 18, 1983

this is Wisconsin-- Presently, the world here is scorching, and dripping with the effects of the elevated humidity. At other times the wind brings terrific thunder storms and tornado warnings. Sometimes it's sunny with a pleasant breeze; but not recently.

Meanwhile, there's not much happening.

Sunday, July 24, 1983

Dear Damon,

Recently I finished reading, A Swiftly Tilting Planet, by author Mageleine L'Engle. (Biology has lost it's amusement for the moment) As I finished reading the last pages, I decided that I liked this novel best of the three companion volumes. I enjoyed it tremendously.

However the winged unicorn named Gaudior, resembles the image of my Phalanx. I'm wondering if I can create a unique story about Brandy and Phalanx that would be appealing to a large audience; an audience that's already over sensitized towards magical winged horses and unicorns.

I'm enthused about trying to write such a story. Although, I'm still stumped for the key element of this fantastic story: the story line. Recently though, I read a short article in Writers Magazine telling that the best process for developing the story line was be doing research about various aspects of the story.

Any ideas or suggestions on how to begin research for a story that contains a Hal fling, a winged pony, and a place similar to Middle Earth?

Do you think Middle Earth existed?


In a conversation about fantasy places, someone told me I should try to find the true reality instead of trying to find a pleasant fantasy land to escape into. But I often wonder, what is exactly meant by the "true reality"; does it even have an existence?

But then, I could always ask again: is one measure of reality, the ability to escape it?

'Till next time.

August 14, 1983

Recently, as I sat studying reference books at the library, I really felt an ache to write; I wanted to write. I thought about the joy it could be to study literature like Shakespeare and do research. (because all "good" writers are learned in the fascinating arts of words and interesting important people) I ached for the knowledge to flow to me all at once; to have already known it all.

I want to increase my writing skills, but sometimes I can't bare to think about taking the long hours to perfect it to the degree I want. It would take forever and it wouldn't leave time for other learning. I want to write, right now; not years later.

I'd like to use my ideas for a story, and produce a fantastic novel.

I'd like to ride off on a horse, and disappear over a horizon. But, maybe not yet

Dreams are fun. But how often do they come true?

Does anyone else have some big dreams?

August 15, 1983

For me, this summer has passed by quickly. The only vestige of it's beginning is found in a small fissured of nostalgia. I'm glad that this summer is almost gone.

The new house is beginning to gain order and an atmosphere of home. I have my room downstairs, in a corner of the spacious basement. An artificial wall has been added to make me a comfortable room. My brother has his room in an alcove near by. The basement makes a good hideout; especially when it's hot outside. Yesterday I finally arranged my pictures and posters around my room to add some color to my new habitat.

My present attempt at research has lead me to increase my vocabulary and word usage. I've been infatuated with looking up difficult words and studying the dictionary; I've been training myself to consult the dictionary on every word that I run across in my reading that needs to be clarified or understood. Already, I've looked up a myriad of new words.

For my birthday, my dad sent my the intriguing four book series by author James Herriot. The writing ability of this guy is outstanding; the wording and descriptions flow endlessly.

September 27, 1983

Dear Pat,

Along one street near the campus, I paused for a moment to read several posters. Among them I read:

I am all alone
In the land of the Aardvarks.
I am walking west
And all the aardvarks are going east.

I enjoyed the quote, and after a bit of research, I discovered it is the first few lines to a poem titled, "The Aardvark". It can be found in a book titled Other things and the Aardvark, by Eugene McCarthy.

Have you heard of it before? Well, I thought I'd send it along anyhow; along with an aardvark card, to say hello.

Fall 1983

The Thorn Birds

While watching The Thorn Birds and after I recently finished reading the book, I felt very depressed. I started the new term bad because of it. I enjoyed the novel tremendously. Although I had gotten too wound up inside the story and the character's lives; I had a difficult time adjusting out of the book and back to studies. I appreciated the way certain characters were developed and portrayed in the movie, and I enjoyed the improvements it had on the story. The story made me feel a deep unexplainable feeling, and I couldn't stop thinking about it and couldn't quite return back to reality.

I hope I learned something form this story. I don't know what I learned, I just hope that something became of my deep emotional involvement into this story. It seems to be a trend with me lately: to get over emotionally wrapped up inside a story from a novel or a song on the radio. I end up feeling very thoughtful. An important aspect of human life is the presence of free will. In making decisions, people choose the most suitable path for the particular time and circumstance. Sometimes a decision is made that has undesirable characteristics associated with it, and with the decisions, there is usually a knowledge of the consequences which follow. In the novel The Thorn Birds , by author Colleen McCullouch, a contrast is seen between a human's free will and a bird's immutable law to receive pain as a consequence of following a path in life.

The legend about the Thorn Birds describes how these birds find excellence, meaning, or purpose only through the cost of great pain; an experience that arrives at a moribund moment. However these innocent avian are powered by an unchangeable instinct to follow this path; they know not why they pursue this destiny, or what the consequence will be. The birds of the legend have not the power of free will to choose their own lives.

Human life, however, contains free will. People have a variety of choices to follow in making a path though life, and each choice is accompanied by a different outcome. For each decision, people must seek an answer that is compatible with the circumstances of the situation. The reasons for choosing one path over another depend on the desire to achieve certain goals or a fulfillment of a personal satisfaction. Free choice is an important element of most decisions to be made.

Some decisions have undesirable aspects associated with them. Although sometimes individuals decide to take on the consequences of a disastrous or painful situation even though they know it will cost them great pain. The reasons for choosing these situations are not always evident or clear, but usually there is knowledge of the consequences to come. When considering important decisions in one's life, the individual is not usually naive or innocent of any pain involved with accepting the decision.

The character, Meggie, knew that cherishing a child above the others caused hurt; towards the siblings, and towards the mother who put forth too much love into one child. She knew, because she had watched it happen to her mother with her brother, Frank. She knew, and yet still she did it herself. Meggie knew from the very beginning that continuing to love Ralph deBricassart would continue to haunt, torment, and hurt; she understood the consequences of this choice, and still she did it.

In the last paragraph of The Thorn Birds the contrast between human free will and a creatures instincts brings the story to a close. A vital difference is seen as Meggie points out that the thorn bird follow "an immutable law; it is driven by it knows not what to impale itself, and die singing." However as human's choose to follow a course of possible pain or hurt, the knowledge is present of what they are doing. In Meggie's words: "but we, when we put the thorns in our breasts, we know. We understand. And still we do it. Still we do it."

Last summer in a conversation with my Grandfather, talking about making a way through life, this phrase was used in explaining actions from the past: "You would know what's right, but either you just don't do it, or you can't do." He continued then by saying that it's important to recognize mistakes they happen, and you can't go back; people can forgive, and go onward.

I thought it was interesting to recognize that even when the right answer is known, that not always is it chosen as the path to take.

It seems that people sometimes get caught up in an issue of "what's right" and "what's expected". Or then again, sometimes all that is over ruled to take on a decision of painful outcome.

Why? Who knows. I guess it can only be understood by the individual.

Dear David,

...been almost a year since I've heard from you.

It certainly surprised me to find your letter waiting on the table when I returned home yesterday afternoon. It took some extra days to travel through the mail before finally reaching my present address. It expresses the zeal of a bon vivant; I hope your enthusiasm for living is genuine.

The last letter I received from you was at the end of last summer; just before fall term started. As the months passed, I kept wondering why I hadn't heard from you. One day as I read through the many stacks of old letters, I decided to isolate a few important memorable ones; to save only a small souvenir bundle of an archaic relationship. I though perhaps it was time to let the past, be past.

It's sad that friends sometimes drift away from each other; in both miles and thoughts. I'm glad you decided to write. I hope we can continue to keep in touch. Friendships are important.

Notes from a Book

God's power; God has shown this to everyone.

What does this mean? "Worshiping the creator rather than the creation or creature." Worshiping God, rather than worldly things. I guess I am upset mostly because I really do get a kick out of clouds, sunsets, and animals, and these things, in my mind, are worthy of worship because God is in them. Just need to remember, God is more God--than being in things.

What is the parallel between serving God whole heartedly and still living in day to day situations?

"God continues to make himself known by acting in today's world and in today's events." For example?

"God allows us to suffer the consequences of turning this created order upside down."

Pantheists - the universe itself is God.

Word of God: "Jesus Christ, the Bible, and the living voice of the gospel proclaimed with sufficiency and power no matter where or by whom."

"The Bible is not a science textbook, but a witness to the who and why; not how."

God has a claim on me. ?

"Whole world owes it's being to God's creative fiat; let it be. Universe, not self sustaining; depends on another who is not part of the universe. God supplies us with everything protects us in time of danger and guards us from every evil. Thank and praise; serve and obey."

I have faith in God the Creator, but what about developing a stronger faith in God the Provider, Protector, Etc. How do I create a stronger faith of believing that God will take care of me; has planned for me and my future?

...and six in the two to three's

Morning darkness wraps itself around two individuals as they carefully ascend the rough tail in search of the familiar group. Behind their backs a trace of daylight usually appears over the hills further away. But this morning the horizon is void of the sun's pink glow; they've arrived a few minutes ahead of schedule today. At the pasture summit, a group of mares look up, unimpressed; without much difficulty they are encouraged to leave their morning hay to begin the journey to the barn. The two individuals separate; each follows a different path to insure that every mare reaches the yard at the bottom of the slope. Through the darkness, the sound of hooves marching on the path echoes softly across the morning; another day has officially begun for the young researcher and his assistant.

The group of mares passes quietly through the yard, then the corral; they only hesitate as they are required to file singlely into the prearranged assortment of passages and holding pens. The most bodacious mares respond to the further encouragements, until each mare has taken a place along the main chute or in the tiny pen within the barn. Once inside, the gates are closed behind, and the welcoming essence of the barn and horses are immediately recognized.

The first horse to shuffle down the last main passage finds her way into the examining chute; she's been here before, and spends a moment to decide if today's attitude should be querulous, stoic, or austere. On a ledge beside the examining shoot, the mare is unaware of the presence of the mighty machine; the object of the morning's round-up. To the arcane group of people who find themselves transporting the box from one examining site to the next, it is called the ultrasound machine. However, the waiting mare has little interest or concern for the the dirty white box, the attached transducer, or their significance to the collection of important data. But together, they equip the young researcher for his chosen study.

Earlier, the transducer had been screwed into place, and the machine clicked on; accompanied by a good morning tap. The lights through out the barn are adjusted to a dreamy or poetic dimness; the whole atmosphere of the setting prepared for the infamous penetration. The ultrasound screen of black and white, appearing slightly illuminate in the dim corner, awaits the beginning of the morning's job.

While the impatient subject rotates standing positions, she briefly decides whether to assist in the process of clearing her bowel or to wait, and have the process done manually. But, before the process of ultrasonography begins--or anything involving the posterior portion of the mare continues--the graduate student, without question silently pons two long, clear plastic gloves. Suddenly, adding to the essence of barn and fragrance of horse's green slime, the unexpected scent of baby powder diffuses through the air; a step to provide comfort inside the plastic gloves, which will eventually find their way inside the tightly cramped quarters of the mare's rectum. Although, to aid in simplifying the tightness, a favored mixture of lubricant rests close by in its container to offer handfuls of goop. Even the smooth transducer gets plopped gently into the wonderful stuff; always a successful landing into the thick, hueless substance.

As the transducer is slipped into place, the beginnings of the mornings' exploration are displayed across the narrow screen; assorted shapes melting and reappearing in a slow relaxed manner: pictures of another world. Inside the some-what violated mistress, her ovarian secrets are a revealed by the roaming transducer. Within just a few moments, a cycle's worth of growth or reduction is recorded through a series of numbers and symbols; today's information adding to the long list of recordings. Carefully, the assistant takes down the desired data; listening assiduously for each call: " Twenty-two ten, ten, ten. Fifteen. Eight, eight. Five, five, five. Five, five. And six in the two to three's." Quickly and efficiently, the follicle sizes are read from the mysterious shapes appearing across the screen. Other information is also added to the mare's chart within the same few seconds; information concerning the state of the uterus, cervix, or any present corpus lutium.

As the transducer is placed back onto its resting space, it's realized that the entire process is not complete until the records have a corresponding blood sample. Near by the captive mare, a rickety aluminum laboratory cart on untrusting wheels contains the equipment for the second phase of the morning's procedure; a rack of sparkling test tubes, packages of sharp and ready needles, and a black marker for recording data.

The target area rests along the smooth fissure running down the mare's neck; some having scarred areas from former attempts. If the mare has a quiet attitude, a quick aim and careful technique will insure successful phlebotomy; the tube warmed in the assistant's hand as the mare's blood flows into the slender test tube, from the inserted needle.

Once the stabbing and palpating are completed satisfactorily on the first mare, the assembly line progresses until each mare has had the privilege of adding her data to the graduate student's project. However, this exotic event is not over. The entire procedure will repeat itself tomorrow morning--perhaps a different assistant or a new set of troubles and successes--but it will continue on; all for the sake of research.

October 9, 1983

The two entered the crowed bar; a room full of people, smoke, and echoing loudness. Somewhere within this strange atmosphere, they would find a place to settle; sipping the relaxing liquid flowing from their brown glassed beer bottles. During quieter moments in the bands performance, lot's of questions and answers passed between the two individuals; they exchanged bits of conversation about kinds of beer, the perfect bar, and the right music to listen to. He was exceptionally quiet, and inspired many questions; which he answered in rapped succession. He seemed to give the impression that he enjoyed answering each additional question. The series of questions and comments flowing from the young female were enhanced by the fact she'd never been inside a bar before; never had been invited, until tonight.

Which led her to thoughts of: "Why had he asked me?"

The conversation continued in short spurts, separated by moments of interest in a song sounding it's way across the PA system. One song contained the audible words, "Everybody is looking for something"; played slightly too loud throughout the room. The young female turned to her escort for the evening, and asked philosophically, "So what is it that you're looking for?"

The sounds pulsating throughout the room made understanding difficult, which made him say, "What?"; as he'd done many times during the night.

"The song said, 'Everybody is looking for something'; well, what is it that you're looking for?"

"Nothing.", he replied.

"You have everything?", returning the rebuttal.

"Ya. I'm content. Perhaps too content."

"You're happy?"


A slight pause followed before the young female continued her philosophical topic. Then she replied, "Tonight Father Marr said that people often pray to God asking to be happy; they pray to ask that people around them change. Yet rather it's the first individual that needs to change himself. Well how do you change?"

"How do 'I' change? I don't understand.", he answered a bit confused.

"I mean, how do 'you' in general change, how does one change, how does a person change themselves: to be happy?"

His answer was not well heard through the noise, but he answered something to the effect of, " it's up to the individual to look at himself, and change accordingly do something that makes you happy."

A long pause followed. Then the young female added, "Would you mind if i fell in love with you?"

His first response was an expected laugh; a laugh expressing amusement. Then he answered, "Well, I'm not really ready to fall in love with anyone."

You didn't answer the question."

"What?", he replied; meaning he was confused.

"I didn't ask what you thought, I asked if you would mind."

This time he answered, "I don't know."

Another long pause followed filled with a couple of sighs and deep thought. Something about his expression or restlessness made her ask, "What?"; a 'what' meaning: 'what are you concerned or thinking about?'

But his reply was lost in the noise. "Say it again", she said.

He said, rather slowly, "That last question was a bit much."

After another slight pause, she began, "Remember about three, four weeks ago, PT said that one of the nicest things a person could say to someone was 'I'm glad God made you'; well, I'm glad God made you."

"Thanks. You too."

After still another pause, she said, "Sorry."


"I'm sorry."

"That's okay."

...and that's how it can to be that he found out I liked him. Perhaps a bit silly, and maybe not even original, but that's what I said. I can't even blame the silliness on the beer I had.

November 7, 1983

to LOVE and

-George Sand

this semester has past quickly thus far; I'm amazed each week at the speed that the days seem to pass by: especially the last few weeks. During these passing weeks, I've been searching for the same old answers that have caused me so mush trouble in the past few years; I've been especially searching for the solution to this continuous depression that shadows my life.


the entire difficulty seems to stem from a strong tendency to try to obtain my happiness from others and/or their responses to me and my life.

and this is not right or good.

I must be happy on my own; must find my own happiness in self, by self, for self; must create my own world, and in my world, create my own happiness.

("if your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.")

...and then perhaps find an added happiness through sharing and being with others. But not happiness because of someone else, but happiness in one's self.

In the past weeks, the one thing I have been concentrating on is finding the solution to this state of being. I've spent a lot of time to myself so that I could think. I've talked to people around me so that I could gather new ideas. And it seems to have helped, for at least I think I know what the root problem is. If only I could find the answer

-> not sure what I really want to do.
-> seem to have a continuous doubt that I have any worth.
-> don't know how to find own happiness.

People have said to me, "Life is what you make of it", but even doing what I think will make me happy always doesn't seem enough. It seems I want too much, too quickly; wanting too much from other people; wanting them to care; wanting to feel that I belong and fit in.

Can God supply the entire need of feeling self worth?

There has to be a right way to thinking about all this. I guess it's a process of separating the difference of depending my happiness on others, and the reality of wanting, needing, and loving others; two separate worlds.

to be happy; to find that
it works for self,
then can share with others

But how to see this and actually find that it works for self? Can the concept be put to the test of reality, of life?

Therefore, how to learn that it's enough to love yourself and the world around you, without expecting anything back; having the responses coming back only as "added bonuses" of happiness?

How to learn the difference between doing what you what and having a selfish self-centered attitude?

About, November 1983

Reason. When you come back around. Star light. Nights are forever, when you have no one to hang on it. Freedom means doing what you want as long as it doesn't interfere with the freedom of others. Will I ever be able to answer the way Karen and Roger do? To shine and sparkle the way PT when he's enthused. Be able to know what's right or wrong for me at a particular time or situation? Ever be able to see myself the way others do? To learn from all experiences? What's wrong with me? Never enough: friendship, love, sleep, energy, knowledge, experience, skill. Not enough self to sustain, to relax, to enjoy. Why am I unhappy right now? Is it true that I need others to make me happy?

Truth? Yes, for now, but it might change. The fantasies, the hopes and dreams. The reality. Constant companionship. Will I never feel enough; never receive enough substance from my environment? What is it that I desire right now? My mind wanders (and wonders much) about the many things that will fill the blank at the end of my question. I don't think that I really know. Perhaps I would know or recognize it if I saw it, at least I hope I would, before it would be too late. JUMP.

Another day

Remembering the ranch at Rescue almost makes me want to cry; I really miss it, sometimes. Especially thinking about my horse and other animals; climbing those huge old oak trees, and escaping with my horse into places that only the grass, wind, and sky knew about; which seemed to make life as a kid the best ever.

I remember long ago, when I felt sad or lonely--or just needed to think alone--that I would wander through the pastures surrounding the farm to find my horse. Together, the only the bridle and open spaces, we seemed to conquer any questions or problems. We would travel over, over the rolling hills and small valleys, and the worries from the day would disappear.

Another day

*SIGH* Maybe I can make things work, and live in this world as me, in harmony with reality.

I've got the responsibility to myself to make my life work; and if I don't understand, it's up to me to question: to learn how I might be able to become the person I was meant to be.

"But slow down; don't go so fast: 'cause life takes a chance to be."

"Don't make life complicated."

Life is the art of drawing without an eraser. JC

"Once upon a time, I was falling in love; now I'm only falling apart. There's nothing I can do; a total eclipse of the heart turn around bright eyes."

November 26, 1983

Who am I? Frequently throughout this past semester I've been asking myself "Who am I?"; it seems I have come to a point in life which requires a clear definition of self and description of where I'm heading. Sometimes it's easy to picture myself, and who I am. But as I thought about trying to put "me" on paper, I found the task challenging.

For lack of a better place to start, my physical inventory includes: short brown hair, dark brown eyes, a height of 5'7, and an athletic build. I'm twenty years old; born August 1, 1963, in Sacramento, California. I enjoy knowing that I'm part Finish; I'd like to learn how to speak Finish and hope that I can visit Finland someday. At the times I feel best about myself, I believe myself to be beautiful; that I am especially unique and that I have a tremendous amount to offer life.

Presently, my life can be divided into three main activities: church, school, and work.

I enjoy attending Good Shepherd Lutheran Church and working with the youth program. I keep wanting to develop my personal relationship to God.

The majority of my time is spent trying to further my education; trying to continuously learn something new. However, my weak point about wanting to learn, is not really knowing how to study efficiently. And therefore college seems very stressful at times. I'm a junior in Animal Science; looking for a career working with livestock. I enjoy horses and dairy goats most of all. I'm a certified farrier, and hope to someday have a small pickup truck set up for horseshoeing, and develop my talents into my career. A major goal in my life involves having a small farm with several acres to raise horses and purebred dairy goats. And also have children; teach them about animals, life, and everything I know.

During the week when I'm not in lecture and not avoiding studies, I'm usually busy with work study. I help several graduate students with their research projects; I like my job and the people I work with. Working in the lab this semester has made me aware of the possibilities of including graduate school in my career goals.

Besides these three main areas, who am I? More of my personal inventory includes: an enjoyment of racquet ball, skating, and tickle fights; ewoks, hobbits, and unicorns; circles, sunsets, and mountain tops; music, poetry, and books; hiking, camping, and horseback riding; embroidery, dancing, and romance.

I have recently acquired a liking for sharing a beer with a friend. I have no one favorite food; I like a wide variety of things to eat.

And, right now, shades of brown are my favorite colors.

But, still, who am I? I'm an endless source of complicated thoughts and deep feelings. I believe in love and friendship; treasuring the idea of sharing life with someone special.

Although, most importantly: I am myself. And, at this time of my life, I am trying to begin to truly believe in myself and the image of who I'd like to become.

More things I've figured out I want to do:

-Learn how to play the guitar.
-Learn more about the Bible; perhaps go to bible school.
-Write "Through a Broken Door", novel about Brandy and Phalanx.
-Go skydiving and mountain climbing.

Friday afternoon, December 9, 1983

For the moment, the sun shines across the blankets of snow cover. Last night it snowed again; adding several inches to the few already laid down throughout this past week: winter has begun.

This has been a difficult term, and I'm glad it'll be over very soon. The main difficulty has been a lack of concentration. It seems I'm especially concerned about what I really want to do, and this causes low motivation for studying. I haven't solved all the unanswered questions that I've been fighting with this term, but I have made tremendous progress toward the right direction.

Some of the unanswered questions involve not knowing where I'll be a year from now. It seems my mom has found Madison unsuitable, and is considering moving again. Although, my questions ore ones asking myself if I want to leave too, or if I'd like to find a way to make it here on my own. Perhaps it's time to truly start living my life, and take responsibility for it.

Sometimes I feel very lonely. I wish I could learn to be content; learn how to be happy without the presence of an anticipation for a close relationship.

December 9, 1983

As I sit thinking, I find myself racing through an endless supply of thoughts; sometimes it seems like there is an eternity of things to say or express or just write down to myself.

It's so difficult to decide what to say first, what point of view to take, and how to say it Sometimes I think too much; I become so wrapped up in these endless thoughts, that I never really find a beginning.

Suddenly, I feel nervous and unsure; find myself wondering why reaching out is so hard, so risky. It seems that one has to have a tremendous amount of self confidence to be able to take a chance on reaching out; be able to believe in yourself enough that it won't destroy you if the other person doesn't reach back.

...and wondering what to do or how to learn to accept the fact that someone might not be receptive to your offer of friendship or out reach. And it seems the more you continue to want to reach out or the more you give of yourself, the riskier it becomes; because, the more you open yourself to someone, the greater the possibilities of rejection and hurt. (Yet too, perhaps, the greater the possibility of gain if all goes well.)

Sometimes life seems too scary. But I suppose it'll always be this way: only must learn how to cope with it; find a sense of enjoyment or happiness in over coming the scary parts.

Another day

Once again, I find myself waiting within a quiet place; the loneliness and empty feeling surrounding me. Will the feelings of loneliness and solitude ever be conquered? The great philosophers try to tell me I must create my own happiness. Yet I continue to crave the warmth and acceptance of a lasting romance; I want someone to need me. I want to fall in love with someone who loved me first. Somehow I must learn not to depend on someone else for my own happiness.

Another day

About college:

You have not learned well enough until you
can duplicate it, demonstrate it by yourself
in the form asked for.

My problem concerning studying involves: laziness towards actually doing.

Ask: Do you want to learn?
Well, study this material.

But studying this will help you understand that which you want to study. It's fine to pick and choose what you want to learn, but sometimes you have to learn the unpleasant or uninteresting things in order to better understand something interesting latter on.

(no answer)

If you study efficiently, then you'll have more time to do other things: the fun things.

Sometimes the route of school or college seems like one track and the route of life in general as another track: two independent tracks. But not two distant tracks, merely one inside the other; therefore, college, school, learning: is life.

Mastering life (if this is something sought after or desired) involves mastering college and learning, because it is part also. (but only if learning is something wanted also.)


Mastering learning, however, requires mastering the system which one chooses as the one to be under. ie: if in a University, must learn to play by rules; accomplish the task of learning by a set of rules and schedules.

It involves studying
which in turn involves discipline
which concurrently involves concentration.

Now that it's written down
must begin to really live it;
put all this philosophy to use.

More important to learn it.

Everything in moderation--
find balance between being alone and being with others
and if being with others brings happiness, seek out
others to be with.

Must find those who like doing similar things, common interests;
then develop relationships around those interests.

Seek the others, because they make you happy,
by being with them.

Can find happiness in looking forward to being with them. Yet when things and life get depressing because of anxiety over others; wanting or hoping them to do something this is not alright. Because your happiness can not be connected or dependent on what others do.

Need to organize time, Plan each day, Find time every day to: finish some studying, the structured kind, do something self stimulating, do an activity you enjoy, do something for self, learn something new.

Learning = self improvement; expanding self
the more you learn, the more you can offer to others.

December 13, 1983

It seems this entire semester has been a struggle to relearn my life's philosophies; to rethink the misbeliefs I carry.

Recently, it seemed I came so close to believing that I had everything sorted out; believing that I can make things work, and live in this world as me. Because I know I've got the responsibility to myself to make my life work; and if I don't understand, it's up to me to question: to learn how I might be able to become the person I was meant to be.

But sometimes it doesn't seem to be enough. I feel lost in the lonely moments in between. I seem to keep falling apart all over again; just when I have everything figured out. Why? And it seems that as the days keep passing by, life is also passing by too quickly--yet I seem to be standing still.

And the true worst part of the whole confusing mess is that no one can help, because people are part of the problem, or rather my perspective on interacting with them is the problem.

I talk to God a lot, but I really wish my personal relationship would be deeper; I'd like him to be my best friend.

January 8, 1984

Must remember: life gives no guarantees and not to become depressed if I don't find any.

January 9, 1984

What does it mean "to fall in love"? Can I learn to love; learn how to believe? Learn to know how to really care about someone?

looking for:

someone who would need me and really care about me
an end to an ever present loneliness
a place to belong


to be happy
to feel good inside; about who I am, and about the things I want to do and be
a best friend


to figure out how to be happy

looking for:

the secret of happiness

"It's going to take a lot of love to change the way things are."

New goal: to be mature; to really begin changing myself into the person I should be; begin seeing the changes imediately.

February 1984

Me, myself: sensitive, enjoy working with animals, skilled with hands for horseshoeing or building, willing to try, want to understand, enthusiatic, deisre for knowledge, like to give talks or demonstrations, honest, trustworthy, friendship, and enjoy thinking.

LOVE by Steven James Schlomann

L is for lost, what I was before we met
O is for open as my heart is to your touch
V is for the vastness of my never ending joy
E is for everything, which is what you are to me

Friday, Frbruary 17, 1984

I've been looking for a friend; I've been wanting a relationship; I've been wanting someone to take an interest in me. I found someone who will fulfill that need of wanting love. Yet, I haven't echoed this back. I am looking for an undieing, unfading love. But I feel not certain.

I've never been hurt by someone saying they care, then having them break up the relationship. I have always known from the beginning that I was the one who cared more for the other person, and the majority of hurt in my love life coming from them not loving or caring back the way I wanted them to.

It has always hurt to know that I could never demand or create or change the feelings of someone else. The hurting feels worse, knowing that I can't do anything -- except be myself -- to change someone.

I care about Steven. I need him. I miss him. I like him. I enjoy being with him. Are these part of the substance that love is made of?

Sunday, February 26, 1984

This morning at church, the lesson talked about not worrying about tomorrow; let faith in God's strength replace any worry about the future. Yet, too, is it right to just not think about future plans, to now be concerned with what I should do this summer? I find it difficult to not worry and wonder what will be the best alternative.

Lately, time seems distorted; sometimes racing past without warning and other times dragging by at unbelievable slowness. During the slow weariness, I feel lost and uncapable of restoring that certain zest with life needs. During the pace making days, I feel nervous and uncertain; I feel restless and long for something more: not know quite what it is I want. I don't mind time racing by, or if some days take longer, yet I'd like to rid present life of an incredible worry and anxiety about tomorrow. I want to begin enjoying every single second of life; fast or slow. I want to begin feeling in control of my surroundings; regardless if it's true or possible. I want to capture that something I had just before it was lost; capture a feeling of security and hopefulness and self worth.

I want to recapture the feeling of greatness, and the desire to be even greater. I want the restlessness to go away. I want to soar again, and this time soar higher and with an added degree of perfection. For if I am more, and if life means and feels "more", then I can give and be more.

Why did I have to lose these feelings, just when I'd barely found them? But anyway, I need to get them back, which means experimenting with life again and experimenting with my own thoughts and feelings. I need to learn how to relax and enjoy again. And I need support; help. I need input and concern.

February 29, 1984

The day feels funny; funny, meaning strange or different. Yet, today's type of feeling is even a totally different or never felt strange, because many days in a life time, or in a mere two months, will feel strange and different, but today's strangeness feels different from any days remembered.

Sky. Clouds. Wind. Not so strange; but the way it feels inside me, the way it is perceived, and the way it is taken in, accent the day's personality.

I few moments before now, I finished reading the novel, Something Wicked This Way Comes. The feeling or message that flows around me now, also seem to accent the day's personality.

The novel told of laughter: one must remember to laugh at and with life, even in the times that the worst evil may be pursuing you, and to laugh even at a time of death. The novel told about relationships: emphazising the bond between friends, and bond between parents and kids; bonds which exist for long periods, yet never really allow each member to really know the other.

Something like that.

After finishing the book, I thought about those people around me and about the troubles (or perhaps evils) in their lives. Across the room, I can hear Karen gathering equipment together. I think about her troubles: her husband not well, and the problems it causes. I must remember to pray for her and her family; I must remember to pray for all the people around me and their lives, because I care about them and want things to be better for them.

But then, I wonder, if perhaps it is enough to feel the care inside, to feel the concern? When I forget to pray, will God know my heart, know my feelings anyway? And then I wonder if perhaps I could be doing something for the people I like and care about; but what? I wonder what I could be doing, to act on my concern and unspoken prayers?

Now, as I begin to walk outside, the wind, sunshine, and feelings of the day surround me; makes me want to look deep inside and talk to myself. What was different about me today? How have I changed since yesterday? Whay does the day seem funny? Different? Strange? What is this feeling inside?

March 1984

"I love the Lord, because He hath heard my voice and my supplications. Because He hath inclined His ear unto me, therefore will I call upon Him as long as I live" Psalm 116:1-2.

April 16, 1984

"All I want in life is what everybody else wants-- a comfortable place to live, a decent amount of money, and somebody to love. And I want to be happy all the time." Is it possible?

April 26, 1984

Recently, the whole idea about the future has been extremely weighting down my thoughts. When I think about my depression, I begin to wonder if my faith is running low. I begin to think about my goals and the things I want to accomplish or want from life; I wonder about the areas of my life that don't deal with a relationship.

I want to grasp ahold of Steven's strenght and dedication, and use it as my pillor against the insecurity I feel about figuring out the details about life. I want the way I felt tonight to last forever.

I just want to figure out about the "what else" part of life; to be able to have everything in perpective.

I wish I could better write everything I feel right now there's so much to express and say.

I really needed someone today, during my walking and thinking I need someone to take me away from everything, simply by telling me how much they care and want to be with me.

...this isn't making much sense.

Steven got disappointed in me because I drank too much. The reason I drank, has to do with the way I've felt all week. This is not an excuse. I need to learn how to deal with this present feeling, because I don't need to drink like the way I did tonight, as a solution to my feelings.

July 1, 1984

There has been many times latley that I've wanted to grab some paper and write my thoughts, yet somehow the circumstances inhibit being able to. A tremendous amount of life has been lived in a relatively short time. At present, it seems the worries of life are at a minimum; which should therefore mean that I am happy and unstressed. But instead I find myself feeling very sad and I don't know why.

The center of my life's activities is my relationship with Steven. In an incredibly short period, the feelings we share have grown exponentially. I thank God for the great gift I have found in Steven and this relationship; I truely want it to last forever. The best part of my relationship with Steven is the way I sometimes feel inside because of his presence in my life. I feel secure, safe, and wanted. I've always had the desire to feel I was wanted, needed, and loved. Steven provides these feelings as a geniune response of his caring toward me. He makes me happy.

Yet sometimes, I let the happenings of the day and the worries of tomorrow get in the way of always being able to draw upon the goodness of the relationship to pull me through the down or sad days I have. I wish this weren't so, because it makes my feelings toward the relationship seem shallow and insecure. I care deeply for Steven. I love him and need him and want him. But there are sometimes that no amount of trying to remember the good times can bring me out of a sadness.

The more I try to discover why I'm sad, the more frustrated I feel. Along with the miricle of having Steven in my life, I have also been blessed with a great deal. My recent strive for independence has worked out a hundred percent. Everything I worried about a few months ago, is no longer a problem. Therefore, I feel I should have nothing to be depressed about. How can I still be feeling sad a time when I have the answers to many prayers. What's wrong, that I continue to dispair when it appears I have nothing to dispair about?

Admittedly, the future will always be a scary and mysterious thought, yet the making it through the last year should be enough evidence for faith that I'll continue to make it through. Why do I continue to dispair? I love Steven and I'm glad my life is flowing smoothly. But what is the underlieing problem that makes me sad?

July 9, 1984

It's hard to make generalized emotions into specific statements of feelings.

Last night I felt the recurring thought that I am unworthy; how could anyone find me attractive as a person? I wonder as I wrap myself into Steven's arms, how can he possible feel about me, the way I feel about him? In one sence this makes me sound superior: that I'm the only one who could feel this way, or it sounds like I really don't believe him. The negative statements from Steven, "We really don't have to go through this again, do we?", really hurt, because it makes me realize that I continue to not get over this struggle.

I think about getting my hair cut. Will this solve the whole problem? I complain that I don't have good body tone, and yet I fail to make a commitment to change. I find myself blaming my financial status for my depression, saying if only I could afford some different clothes. But these won't ultimately change or correct the problem. I nee to once and for all believe that Steven is telling the truth about what he perceives in me.

It seems to be different saying I'm happy and then really living up to that. I said to Steven that it hurts to care; an agonizing feeling that seems to increase drastically when I'm with him or can watch him.

Sometimes I wonder if anybody else notices what a terrific person Steven is. Recently, I keep thinking of Steven as a man; something I never thought of in regards to other males I have dated or had crushes on.

Another day

Once again it seems the majority of my depression comes from a self doubt; unsureness of self. Yet I should be able to believe Steven when he tells me I'm okay and that he loves me. It makes Steven feel inadequate when he trys to reassure me that I am indeed alright, and I continue to find fault with myself and my abilities as a person. I seem to continue to feel in doubt of myself; worring about my actions and goals and desires; feeling that I am always meeting the different tasks of my life unsatisfactory.

Another day

While growing up, there were times that my Mom said I had a really stupid look on my face. She usually said this about the time when I had done something wrong and I was being repremented for it; I would be scolded, in addition, to "wipe that stupid look off my face". Something is very wrong with me. Why can't I make things work out for me, Lord? What bit of information or quality do I lack which keeps me from changing into a better person?

Don't listen very well; inadequate preception of "what is real"; uncertainty; not dedicated enough to overcoming bad habits; need to recognize own symptoms of getting self into trouble; lacking in communication skills; barriers to expressing and sharing thoughts and feelings; poor judgement at deturmining proper behavior and choice of words.

Another day

If only I would ask myself: "the way I feel now, how will it make Steven feel?", then I could sort out those feelings of mine which would be negative for us and those feelings that tend to hurt, isolate, or impose on him. If only I could prevent having to think about it after the damage was done. Why is it that I only tend to hurt Steven?

August 14, 1984

A long time ago, I heard a song that contained the lyrics: "A better place to be." The lyrics mean to me, about looking for a place that would be better than the present. These words have become an expression of the feelings I have many times; wanting to find a place or future that is better or different from the one I have. As the relationship between Steven and me grows, I hope that the better place to be is with him.

August 29, 1984

This sure has been a busy summer. I wish it wasn't over already. But it's time to go back to classes and continue the enrichment of knowledge. I really like what Roger said about college: now a days, college doesn't necessarily give a person training for a speciffic position, but it's learning or training for life.

Yesterday while registering turned out to be an excellent example of how Steven and I easily can hurt one another by saying mean things or shutting each other out with silence. I'm glad that we finally talked about it last night. I'm sorry it was an unpleasant day, but I'm glad for the wonderful time talking and spending time with each other last night. I want to learn how to end unpleasant days like yesterday, before they start.

The upcoming semester is going to be a busy one.

September 5, 1984

After finishing a novel, I always seem to feel sad. I sit thinking about the people and events, trying to make a transition back into my own life and responsiblities. The transition alsways takes awhile, as I review how I felt about the story. Today the sadness I feel comes from thinking about the book "Forever". I feel scared about my feelings toward Steven; I wish I could know for certain that nothing will ever happen to our relationship.

November 1984

What can I do when I am so discouraged I feel like giving up?

"Whatever trouble confronts us is seldom beyond our ability to bear, and when extraordinary demands are made on us, God gives us extraordinary strength to endure and cope with them."

--show how important our religious valves are to us; if we practice our faith strongly, it will have the most influence.

--God's job is to help us respond constructively to whatever happens; good or evil.

--There are no guaranties about tomorrow; each of us must make the most of today.

--some pain and disappointment are inevitable.

--everday we have the chance to make someone's life brighter with a helping hand, an encouraging word, a smile. We can be a source of strength to those around us. In the long run, these small acts of love may be of more significance than any earth shaking deed.

Another day, notes from a book

Ways to salvage a faltering friendship: locate the trouble spot, "what do I overlook in our relationship, which is obvious to you?"; apologize when you're wrong; get rid of old ideas spoiling new friendships and old methods of relating that no longer work; check to see if you have excessive need for approval, because when someone is uncertain of himself, always needing approval and support of others and being unduly depressed by their criticism, it means that he has no valid criterion of valve from within himself and you cannot depend on others for your sense of self worth--it must come from within you; stop the vicious circles of decreasing your own self worth.

Loyalty an essential ingredient: the beauty of lifelong relationships is in learning to hang on when the going is tough, to give even when you are not getting much; constancy; don't give up too easily, people almost always get over their periods of instability, the loss of control is temporary and given some quietness, it is likely that our minds will heal and we will be all right soon.

Another day

I always thought the song, "gonna make my brown eyes blue", applied to me, because I doubted that anyone would ever like my brown eyes. Therefore I figured if I found someone to love with brown eyes, then there would be a better chance of them liking mine.

Sometimes it's hard to tell the one you love that you are unhappy, because they feel they are in fault somehow. Yet it is simply that being in love won't solve all the unhappiness; only buffer it or act as a catalyst in restoring the happiness. Having someone tell you they love you, won't solve a problem or make the inial unhappiness disapppear; neither will a hug solve anything: only tends to spread the hurt and pain to someone you care about.

Love isn't the solution, but one way of having a better handle on working towards the solution. Love is, perhaps, the best cushion for a bad or rough day. But then, a tendency exists for remaining comfortable with the cushion and not solving the problem. Which might make someone angry at themselves for not facing up to their responsibilities.

Love: a warm, happy escape; made to feel safe. But it's not always happy, and it doesn't last forever.

Another day

Being in love, like happiness, takes a lot of cooperation. I never realized how much cooperation being in love requires. Probably, because being in love is happiness. Just to cuddle during quiet times takes concentration and mutal interest; attention sharing. A simple kiss at a red stop light takes timing. Love has so many different facets.

If love is happiness, and you have someone to share love and happiness with you, then a measurable amount of happiness should always be present in life. Although times will exist when no matter how much someone loves you or how much happiness that person brings to your life, there still seems to be a lot of unhappiness.

I guess what this is all trying to lead up to is that I always thought if I could find someone to share love and happiness with, then I'd be instandy happy, forever happy. The idea of happiness involves a lot more though. I think it has a lot to do with the way people think and feel inside themselves. Love helps to change the way people think and feel.

A poem by Alice J. Davidson:

There are hugs that say I like you and I hold our friendship dear.
There are hugs that say good going, you deserve a great big cheer!
There are hugs that say goodbye, good luck in all that lies ahead.
There are hugs that say I love you when no other words are said.
There are hugs that soothe and say to us, you're free from cares and harms

--the kind of hug we feel when God holds us within his arms.

Another day

It's impossible to be happy all the time; at least it seems this way. It takes an incredible amount of energy to remain happy once you find happiness. Also it takes cooperation; must have people around willing to share your happiness and give you some of theirs.

When things through the week begin piling up, it's hard to maintain an attitude of happiness. Sometimes, most of the time, you find yourself wishing for an excape from the pressures; sometimes wanting to be held and comforted by the one you love.

Sometimes it's exactly what's needed to restore the balance and harmony, but sometimes too, the closeness only makes the longing more intense, more vital, and uncontrolled; wanting, but not knowing what. And then realizing, it's a wanting of the moment to never end, and knowing it must. Which means perhaps, that someone might never be permanently happy something I've always wanted. I don't think it exists. Throughout the rest of life, there will always be times of unhappiness, which could come from an assortment of reasons: worry, uncertainty, lonliness, misunderstandings, disappointment, tragedy, etcetera.

I wish I knew how important each moment was: what's the most important thing for me to do at this moment? I wish I know for me, according to my valves and desires, what I should be doing. Somehow separating between those valves I wish to discard and the ones I wish to obtain. And of course, doing what was best according to those valves and desires that are the correct ones.

This is going to be a long semester. I hope I can keep from sinking. Is it building character?

Another day

If life is what a person makes of it, then if one chooses to be happy, they will be happy. Perhaps. Until something happens unexpectedly, like a disappointment or tragedy.

Another day

What can I do to make you happy? To ask this of another is a futile question, because no one can change someone's life to make it instantly happy. He feels that when he's feeling very down, that nothing anyone does will change the situation, only maybe help by comforting and and knowing someone cares.

Another day

"There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the root."

Henry David Thoreau

"When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"

Sydney Harris

Thanksgiving, 1984

Notes from an article: It is natural to be morbidly curious about past relationships; nothing could be worse than fantasies. However, fantasies fade; but, sharply etched visions of certified reality live on and on. Don't make comparisions. End a tendency to blame; putting the responsibility for a wrong on another or creating an "if only" situation with makes others feel bad. Learn to deal with and accept critism. Don't complain. Figure out alturnitive plans; what is expected if everything doesn't go as planned?

To succeed in any intimate relationship, you need a certain freedom to fail. Our ability to discover love will in part depend on our ability to handle rejection.

Teihard de Chardin: "Someday, after we have mastered the winds and the waves, the tides, and gravity, we will harness for God the energies of love, and then for the secord time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire."

March 19, 1985

It's important to realize that it's hard to instantly change the inertia of one's own poor self image come along way in life already, but there is a lot of bad feelings left to reverse. Perhaps need to look at self again, really closely and accept what is found: bad habits, an incredible need for reinforcement and love, past experiences, and etcetera. Then proceed to trying to learn how to better express needs; know they can be met, once they are known.

I need to feel loved;
that I'm wanted, accepted, and enjoyed.

I need to feel that I belong somewhere;
that I'm wanted, accepted, and loved.
I want to be able to feel inside myself that these things do exist; I want to no longer have any doubt. And it seems that this is where the past two decades have had the most destructive force, because I want to rid myself of even the most atomized speck of doubt.

I want to feel that eveything about myself has been accepted.

I want to feel that everything I like would be secure from critizism towards myself.

I want to feel free of critizism towards myself for decisions I make.

I want to feel understood.

I want to be able to see myself as others do.

Sometimes life is a drag when I feel that other people don't notice me as much as I would like. Maybe during these times it would be helpful to remember that everyone chooses his own lifestyle, and that he can only change himself. By choosing to follow a Christ centered lifestyle, I must accept the challenge to be endlessly loving and caring towards others, no matter what their acceptence of me may be. During the times I feel that I need more reinforcement, perhaps I should return to Christ for the comfort and support I want and need, because He is the only one that competely knows all my desires and the pains and joys of being me.