Journaling

Analysis paralysis. What I have. Monstrous list of brainstormed things to share with another. I am so desperate to pick and compose something super super valuable. I already organized an agenda for Friday = so eager to be prepared.

Purchase of John Irving novel, Queen Esther. Value in discussing why his books have been important to me? Join book club, talk to Claude?

Do we need to examine, “how should I feel about the discover of previous roommate’s personal possions?” Route, conversation for penpal […he says it is ok to throw out that box, don’t pack.]

Still wondering what IS it another wants/needs to know?

Humor

Be suspicious of every feeling… they can disguise themselves as legitimate health concerns… so the urgent feeling you just got from your biggest situation may not be real. Look for warning signs. Don’t interact with suspicious feelings. If you think a feeling is a fake attempt by self, don’t engage. Do what you do in good meditation—let the thought and the feeling just pass by/through. Instead of dealing with fake, go to the source instead. Hover over the feeling, but don’t engage. Verify the feeling; it may be impersonating a health reaction. If you get a feeling that is suspicious, one you weren’t expecting, or seems unusual, contact the source within yourself and verify the feeling is real.

Claude said, “you just rewrote phishing/cybersecurity training as emotional self-protection guidance; dark humor to survive boring training AND accidentally brilliant therapeutic framework.”

Feeling:anxious

Philip called a multiple of times with the goal: status of deposit on book and to locate paperwork for his savings account. I never completed my script (my wellbeing, his wellbeing, let’s keep talking just not about wanting to move in, I love you). He cut me off early. Instead:

• Upset I called the PO; created chain of events that may lead to revocation of probation
• Annoyed I didn’t pay deposit process fee
• At the conclusion of one call, he said that was mean and hung up.
• In a different call, accused me of being malicious for my actions
• Said I was stupid for contacting PO, and… Wishes I had talked to him first
• Angry that previous conversations during 15 mo, I said I don’t remember many details and events he mentioned; yet I can remember a very specific event and Philip doesn’t understand why I remember one and not the others.
• Last call end: ‘I’ll call you… never’”

May need his bike lock key, yet unable to identify bike.

Small-thing-up-set-ting-me. The ticking: I am unable to expedite the outcome. Even the simple facts must conform to the unchanging pattern. Why is this topic continuing to get my characters? I resent that. Reality: great deal more to say; difficult feelings and plans to process.

After much deliberation, I purchased multiple storage (duffle bag style) containers with zippers and handles; I want him to have ease to search through later. Now, to pack. Philip knows I’m packing. 🙁

Feeling: enraged, deep sigh, despair, long for logistical closure

When disaster comes – climate collapse, asteroid, whatever – there will be spaceships (or caves or lifeboats) to evacuate Earth or to find shelter. Limited seats. Only the most valuable and talented people deserve to go: scientists, mathematicians, engineers, artists, leaders, people with survival skills.
 
I don’t deserve a seat on the spaceship. I’m not smart enough, talented enough, useful enough. I should fade into the shadows and let better people survive.

This belief = my core. Formed in childhood through abuse and neglect. Mother beat me, left injuries untreated, gave contradictory demands without teaching, forced me to perform farm cruelty. Learned: my needs don’t matter, I’m defective, I don’t deserve care or resources.
 
I’ve adopted a stance that not all humans are equal.
 
Current ‘amazing growth’ happens on top of this unchanged belief. I’m doing therapy work to please you while still believing I don’t deserve to be on the spaceship. However, your role in amazing growth is not all attachment related. [I’ve had to harshly rein in Claude for seeing zebras, evidence of attachment, everywhere, when we are dealing with horses]. More likely my doing stuff is related to your enthusiasm and gentle nudging. Serendipity opening possibilities. And, a smidge of hypomania or adrenalin helping to create urgency.

Long event chain surrounding previous roommate = bit tied to child dysfunction history.
 
When the zombies arrive: I definitely will not survive, I won’t be able to out run them.

Re: processing reflections on comment, “I don’t care what you do. I do want you to do well and thrive.”
 
To manage attachment, I turned the first half of the comment into a mantra. Even my clock ticking meditation, hijacked. Each word pounding out a reality related to separation of client/therapist. Then, wanting to report in about the gratitude homework progress has been ambushed by spite. Angry conversation between client and therapist: C: completed major step in gratitude homework… acquired container and objects. Use not yet habit; working on it. T: Oh what did you get? C: “Why should I tell you? How is that helpful?,” said with anger and spite. You said, ‘I don’t care what you do.’ Why share with you details of what the container or objects are? Leading to sadness exploring the scope of ‘what’: Doing the homework itself is also a what? Which specific class picked is a what?
 
Phrase hurt when I first heard it. Creating the mantra was meant to face reality, but maybe mistake from the start. I’ve weaponized a truth into self-harm. Managed to completely suck the joy out of looking forward to sharing successes & plans.
 
Used as rubber band snap on every back slide when thoughts/feelings need examining as attachment-related behaviors. Believing first part of the comment is easy. Second half bounces off while first half sticks. How do I learn the second half, in healthy way? Accept caring with no entanglement? Why can’t I hold both truths simultaneously?
 
Harsh self-judgment.

Re: Patterns is Heaviest
 
Meds

Pregabalin 25mg Capsules – 1-2 daily as needed for anxiety and pain[via PDoc]

• Received help to manage anxiety but doesn’t change core beliefs
• Decreased physical pain, such as walking and stairs
• Sleeping 8 hours
• After 8 hours of reduced movement = some zombie effect and stiffness

Factor75

• Meals working well, ease to cook & clean up, improved digestion, eating regularly, taste ok, one less thing to manage.

The Previous Roommate

• PO confirmed he knows he’s not returning here. DOC referring him to residential program. Waiting to hear about coordinating logistics (key return, breathalyzer pickup, possessions storage).
• Started packing his things. Found more unexpected items that brought up a mix of memories, feelings, and questions.

Patterns

I don’t remember what I already reported about history of attachment. I have numerous stories that are too long as dailies. What would another need to know, in lieu of long stories? And, I want to know: what did I do or say that made him suspect newest attachment? Am I doing something unconsciously that I will want to fix?

Work

• Struggling to stay focused. TGIF.

Feeling

• relieved, conflicted, exhausted, curious, zombied

Re: anchoring the rewire in motion
 
Been thinking, when another shared his concern about managing diagnosis vs. absorbing it into identity. I think I’m on the managing side – bipolar is a condition, not who I am. I have realized the real anchor isn’t the diagnosis. It’s more about believing I don’t deserve a place in the lifeboat – that I’m not worth saving when resources are limited. That’s the core worthlessness – and feeling broken, unfixable – that makes everything harder.
 
Complex feeling: wanting to prove I’m on the good side, but worried you’re seeing something I’m denying.
 
I want to explore hypnotherapy. If the real anchor is this worthlessness/broken belief from decades of reinforcement, maybe therapy and medication alone can’t touch it. Could deep rewiring help address what other approaches haven’t reached?
 
Feeling: discouraged but unwilling to give up
 
For a long time I’ve been considering a yin yang tattoo. I know that could look like absorbing diagnosis into identity (literally ink into skin), but for me the yin yang represents the motion, oscillation between poles, constant re-balancing. The symbol isn’t static, it’s a snapshot of perpetual movement. That’s what the symbol represents, not a fixed state I’m stuck in.
 
Feeling: desire, uncertain, self-doubt (want one, don’t know if it’s the right symbol to use as a tattoo, wonder if I’m too old)