Found One that Resonates

Recently while talking about favorite music.... Bullet For My Valentine was mentioned. I find metalcore to be unpleasant. I want to understand the lyrics and feel emotion rather than a headache and nausea.

The depression is getting worse.

Once in awhile, I feel strange enough to just embrace the unending nausea that I've been dealing with the past four weeks -- a type of self-destructive behavior used as a coping mechanism, when things get 'too much'. This morning my action of choice was to punch in B4MV on Pandora.

And then suddenly, one song came along that resonated. Bullet For My Valentine : Curse

Most likely the intended meaning of the song has nothing to do with what I felt/heard in the music. (Assuming metalcore can be considered music.) What I hear in this song is the ordeal of dealing with severe depression.

I'm starting to realize that I need to consider other methods of resolve beyond just medications, such as ECT. (face what we've become.

Everyone is constantly telling me that suicide is not an option, because I have value and it would be a waste for me to disappear. That, through the years I have put in a lot of effort to survive and accomplished a great deal. (We've waited far to long to watch it all crash and fall through)

One of my strengths is tenacity. I'm constantly just pushing through. (So when you feel like shit you're gotta keep on pushin) I always think too much. I get angry when people remind me of this fact. I am proud of my ability to process information. Yet, the unhealthy ruminating thoughts are a symptom of the depression, rather than profound thinking. (There's curses lurking in our heads/But we don't want to find them/We need to come back down/And face what we've become)

The major problem I deal with seems to be loneliness. The lack of supportive family/friends is huge in my mind. My son is my only family. He certainly has grown and changed so much this last year. Our relationship is slowly becoming... normal? better? enjoyable? Yet he isn't emotionally available to support my mental issues. And then, I know lots of people through work or hobbies or church (which I stopped attending a couple of years ago). Yet, knowing people is not the same as having friends. There is no one in my life that I truly check in with on a close continual basis. I so desperately want connection that includes a mutual two way reliance and a healthy dependency. I feel an incredible heaviness to realize that all my major relationships -- the people who know me best -- are all paid. Last weekend out at the ski hill... a place that I typically feel my best, I started to do the heavy sobbing crying thing after just a couple of hours. I gave up and started to walk back to the truck. Then I got mad. Really angry. Impulsively I signed up for a snowboard training session. At least for a hour, my life made sense again and I was happy. Yet, I left with the reinforcement that I have to pay people to spend time with me. (It's haunting me, I'm so alone/I'm just trying to find my way back home/I'm so alone, alone)

Yeah, I could really use a map right now. (But there's forces working in our heads/And we don't understand them/I need a map to find/My way out all the time)

Waiting for the SunRay Sunbox

First snowfall. Well, not really the first. But seems as if so, because this time I see the falling flakes, the growing accumulation, the solemn traffic passing on the street. The afternoon light is fading, loneliness surrounds me, and Paula Cole tempo wedges the apostrophe into place. I feel trapped. Trapped by the falling snow and by my dysfunction. I want to go to the gym. But I told myself I can't go until I finish the dishes and laundry. Maybe if I start the chores now, I can be swimming by seven and in bed by nine. Perpetual depression. More than dysthymia. PDoc says I need to sit in front of my SunRay II sunbox for 45 minutes first thing in the morning, every day for a week. After about three weeks, I've finally succeeded in completing two successive days. Getting out of bed is difficult, and then, staying awake in front of the light is difficult. Steamed broccoli & cauliflower with butter.

It Is One of Those Days

The kind of "those" that I mean: a day where outside the world is having a most awesome, beautiful weather day. I am in the house... sleeping the daylight hours away... unable to enjoy the beautiful day outside.

I took a dose of Seroquel, as instructed by my PDoc, and found that yes I was able to get a good night of sleep. Except that I just repeatedly have been going back to bed today. I just finally got up at 3:30pm this afternoon.

I looked around and asked myself, "What can I do to feel some accomplishment this afternoon?" Out of the list of activities that ran through my mind, I decided on doing a load of white laundry. This included a set of my new bed sheets.

My bike hangs in the garage with cobwebs. I could pump up the tires and dust it off. Maybe drive up to Devil's Lake and ride around. I could just do the bike trail right here in town... I can get to it just a few blocks from here. The second idea is not appealing, because that part of the trail is not very exciting... and I would need to ride a bit, in either direction, to get to the good stuff. So, no. The bike trail here is out. That's why a quick drive up to the lake -- because of all the nice scenery -- seems appealing.

A drive to the lake is also appealing, because it is an activity I can actually afford. Any plan I make, to try to get outside the house, will need to be expense free. I have no money left from this weeks allowance. So, the Lake: I already purchased my annual pass for the State Parks. There is gas in the truck.

What keeps me from following through on a drive to the lake? There is stuff in the back of the truck that would need to be taken care of first. What the stuff is... I won't go into detail... that is another long story.

As I sit and type, the cat wants attention. She cries, wanting to sit on my lap. Anytime I'm at the computer upright typing, is of course, when she wants to cuddle.

Is it possible the load of clothes is ready for the dryer? Not quite yet.

Is it time for me to make progress on "what is next?" Yes. I don't know what that will be... my head is busy with thought, and yet it is empty. It's kind of like doing mindfulness meditation (MM) on auto pilot. The thoughts come fast and futter by. I don't need to make any effort to let them pass by. They travel on easily past on their own accord. The struggle, the challenge is to keep them in focus. The exact opposite of MM. Typically with MM, the struggle is to get the thoughts to pass on by.

This makes it very difficult to truly figure out what to do next. I fight to hold a thought to evaluate it... it slips away too fast. This mode makes me exhausted and tends to lend itself to, well, I'll just go back to bed. Or, maybe flopping on the couch and watching a DVD.

I wish there was someone who would validate that the DVD and flopping is fine. That it is good, enough. It is at least better than getting my sleep cycle out of whack.

The decision for what to watch is easy: pick one of the three Netflix that have been sitting here, unwatched for more than a week.

I love Netflix. Do you want to be my friend? The friend feature is really cool. Except that they assume you HAVE friends. Yeah, and they assume that you will encourage your friends to join. Well, you have to HAVE friends to encourage.

I'll go open the Netflix... at least see what my choices are.